Divorce, do you ever see it coming...

[rtraverdavis]

Glad you spoke up. The two of you need to see someone. A third party professional. Not family or friends.

@Benjamins

Totally agreed with OH. Counseling saved my marriage. My wife and I had all the right stuff, but our wires were all crossed and working with a good counselor was pivotal in understanding and communicating with each other. Wouldn’t have made it if we didn’t have someone who knew their stuff helping us sort it out. But you’ve both got to be willing and committed to the process, which can be hard as hell. For my wife and I, it was worth it. YMMV

 

[4ohSick]

I just read this entire thread and it leaves me more confused. My wife of of 6 years does not seem to be the person she used to be. I'm the kind of guy who gets excited (possibly overly excited) about everything, a hunting trip, getting to go out for a date night, whatever. She literally has no excitement for anything. All she does is get angry at me for every single little thing (I know this can be skewed but I really don't think it's just my point of view). I want her to enjoy something so much its worth getting up in the morning but she doesn't like anything. I have thought about getting a divorce more times than i care to admit. But, We have 2 amazing girls (under 5) that I would do absolutely anything for. So that leaves me thinking, isn't my unhappiness worth them having a normal life? I don't know how you guys know when to pull the plug but dangit it's hard. Sorry for the vent. I just appreciate that there is a bunch of like minded people that will hear me out.

I agree with the others, counseling seems like a must. Also, I’m not in the medical or mental health fields, so take it with a grain of salt, but the lack of interest in anything sounds like depression. It must be broached gently, but perhaps all she needs is some validation in her experience to talk with her doctor or therapist about it.

 

[Boarmaster]

I never been married but I have been in somewhere around 4 longer term relationships of over 3 -5 years each. I knew or think I knew the day each one no longer was interested.

I let them all leave on their own terms. About every one tried to double back after leaving out but I just told them if they didnt like me before they wouldnt like me now as I havent changed in the least.

I remain on good terms with all of them as I never allowed things to deteriorate into hurt feels. I dont view any of them as the enemy. No kids with any of them and I although they were at my place most of the time they all had kept their own places And finances. So easy breakup. I think trying to hang on to something that isnt working out for both parties is were the hurt feeling get started. And hurt feelers is trouble.

 

[Pucky Freak]

I just read this entire thread and it leaves me more confused. My wife of of 6 years does not seem to be the person she used to be. I'm the kind of guy who gets excited (possibly overly excited) about everything, a hunting trip, getting to go out for a date night, whatever. She literally has no excitement for anything. All she does is get angry at me for every single little thing (I know this can be skewed but I really don't think it's just my point of view). I want her to enjoy something so much its worth getting up in the morning but she doesn't like anything. I have thought about getting a divorce more times than i care to admit. But, We have 2 amazing girls (under 5) that I would do absolutely anything for. So that leaves me thinking, isn't my unhappiness worth them having a normal life? I don't know how you guys know when to pull the plug but dangit it's hard. Sorry for the vent. I just appreciate that there is a bunch of like minded people that will hear me out.

I’m coming up on 6 yrs married, we have adopted kids with special needs who require lots of attention and also recently moved in a family member with Alzheimer’s who is more work than our kids! It has stressed both my wife and me past our breaking points, to the point our marriage is in crisis.

We are persons of faith and we both believe 100% that we are meant to be together forever, and also that it was the right decision to take on these big responsibilities of caring for persons in need. Each of those decisions were made through much prayer.

We are also willing to do whatever it takes to fix our issues, strengthen our marriage, and be the best version of ourselves in order to make everything work. In times of greatest stress there have been times when each of us thought the relationship was doomed. We choose not to dwell there, though, and instead turn it around, show up, and believe in the good will of the other.

We probably should have started seeing a marriage counselor earlier than we did, but we’ve been going weekly for over two months now, and it’s been worth it’s weight in gold. We both love our counselor - she is very good at what she does, has helped us reconnect, become closer, more attentive to each other’s needs, and begin to identify behaviors that harm the marriage so we can replace them with alternative ways to meet our needs. Change comes slowly, and that’s OK. The big difference is now we have a lot more hope for a happier marriage long-term.

So here’s my shameless plug to sign up for marriage counseling w/ your wife. No reason to settle for unhappy and just stick it out for your kids. My wife has changed in many ways over 6 years, in some ways I am not a big fan of, but also in many more ways that I adore and appreciate deeply. She is still the lady I fell in love with and I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hope my little story helped in some way.

 

[Nick87]

Hope my little story helped in some way.

Just did for me, thanks. Glad I'm not the only one in this position.

 

[Benjamins]

I’m coming up on 6 yrs married, we have adopted kids with special needs who require lots of attention and also recently moved in a family member with Alzheimer’s who is more work than our kids! It has stressed both my wife and me past our breaking points, to the point our marriage is in crisis.

We are persons of faith and we both believe 100% that we are meant to be together forever, and also that it was the right decision to take on these big responsibilities of caring for persons in need. Each of those decisions were made through much prayer.

We are also willing to do whatever it takes to fix our issues, strengthen our marriage, and be the best version of ourselves in order to make everything work. In times of greatest stress there have been times when each of us thought the relationship was doomed. We choose not to dwell there, though, and instead turn it around, show up, and believe in the good will of the other.

We probably should have started seeing a marriage counselor earlier than we did, but we’ve been going weekly for over two months now, and it’s been worth it’s weight in gold. We both love our counselor - she is very good at what she does, has helped us reconnect, become closer, more attentive to each other’s needs, and begin to identify behaviors that harm the marriage so we can replace them with alternative ways to meet our needs. Change comes slowly, and that’s OK. The big difference is now we have a lot more hope for a happier marriage long-term.

So here’s my shameless plug to sign up for marriage counseling w/ your wife. No reason to settle for unhappy and just stick it out for your kids. My wife has changed in many ways over 6 years, in some ways I am not a big fan of, but also in many more ways that I adore and appreciate deeply. She is still the lady I fell in love with and I cannot imagine being with anyone else. Hope my little story helped in some way.

I appreciate you taking the time to write up that little story. Gives me a little hope I guess! The counseling route has crossed my mind before but never gave it real consideration, maybe it's time for that to change. Thanks again.

 

[JDH]

I just read this entire thread and it leaves me more confused. My wife of of 6 years does not seem to be the person she used to be. I'm the kind of guy who gets excited (possibly overly excited) about everything, a hunting trip, getting to go out for a date night, whatever. She literally has no excitement for anything. All she does is get angry at me for every single little thing (I know this can be skewed but I really don't think it's just my point of view). I want her to enjoy something so much its worth getting up in the morning but she doesn't like anything. I have thought about getting a divorce more times than i care to admit. But, We have 2 amazing girls (under 5) that I would do absolutely anything for. So that leaves me thinking, isn't my unhappiness worth them having a normal life? I don't know how you guys know when to pull the plug but dangit it's hard. Sorry for the vent. I just appreciate that there is a bunch of like minded people that will hear me out.

This isn't going to help much but I hear ya. I've been married for 9 years and my wife definitely isn't the same person she was. She's not necessarily a worse person but I think in the beginning of our relationship she showed more excitement for my interests as a way to do things together and keep my around. I'm just like you and get overexcited for the smallest things. We've been working on trying to find something we can both do together. It sounds silly but it may end up being golf. We both suck at it but it's outdoors and still kinda fun. She's even taking lessons so we can be closer to the same skill level.

 

[HighDesertSage]

I appreciate you taking the time to write up that little story. Gives me a little hope I guess! The counseling route has crossed my mind before but never gave it real consideration, maybe it's time for that to change. Thanks again.

Do it. It will help.

 

[mdcrossbow]

I use to tell young married couples to set one evening aside, date night, movie ,dinner exc. Weekly or bi-weekly. Every other month do a weekend get away at some B&B. Short education family trips to get the minds In gauged.
This is good to read every so often.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a (ESV) Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

 

[Stocker]

I appreciate you taking the time to write up that little story. Gives me a little hope I guess! The counseling route has crossed my mind before but never gave it real consideration, maybe it's time for that to change. Thanks again.

it’s kinda funny that now I feel like an old man giving marriage advice, but I guess I can after 10 years. Like most of you guys said the first 4-5 years were good, then it got difficult.

My wife stayed at home with our 2 young kids, I worked all the time. We thought building a house, or getting crap/going on vacation would help us. Divorce was never really on the table but it felt more like we were buddies rather than married. I was busy making a living and she was getting stuck in a rut and wasn’t feeling any sort of fulfillment even being a stay at home mother. We didn’t discuss anything,
Just kinda grumbled and went our own ways. Spring of 2019 my wife had a brain tumor discovered, and subsequent surgery to remove most of it. Scared both of us to death and made us realize how much we neeeded each other and enjoyed each other. We just started doing everything together. We decided to take our kids and go do whatever we wanted to do as a family. She quit worrying about what people thought. I spend more time being a husband and father. It’s been as good as it can be the past few years. We make an effort to have a date night once a month. If she wants to go somewhere I don’t, I just go. I don’t piss and moan like I used to. It helps she likes hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, etc. so she goes everywhere with me. But she also likes other things that I always avoided that now I just go do.


It’s a struggle and a challenge, but all things in life that are worth it are. Enjoy the high points and ride out the lows.

Amateur Dr Phil out:

 

[Deleted member 20812]

Try here’s some great inspirational advice here. Life is hard. Sometimes things aren’t salvageable and sometimes they are. Only you know.

 

[mdcrossbow]

it’s kinda funny that now I feel like an old man giving marriage advice, but I guess I can after 10 years. Like most of you guys said the first 4-5 years were good, then it got difficult.

My wife stayed at home with our 2 young kids, I worked all the time. We thought building a house, or getting crap/going on vacation would help us. Divorce was never really on the table but it felt more like we were buddies rather than married. I was busy making a living and she was getting stuck in a rut and wasn’t feeling any sort of fulfillment even being a stay at home mother. We didn’t discuss anything,
Just kinda grumbled and went our own ways. Spring of 2019 my wife had a brain tumor discovered, and subsequent surgery to remove most of it. Scared both of us to death and made us realize how much we neeeded each other and enjoyed each other. We just started doing everything together. We decided to take our kids and go do whatever we wanted to do as a family. She quit worrying about what people thought. I spend more time being a husband and father. It’s been as good as it can be the past few years. We make an effort to have a date night once a month. If she wants to go somewhere I don’t, I just go. I don’t piss and moan like I used to. It helps she likes hunting, fishing, camping, hiking, etc. so she goes everywhere with me. But she also likes other things that I always avoided that now I just go do.


It’s a struggle and a challenge, but all things in life that are worth it are. Enjoy the high points and ride out the lows.

Amateur Dr Phil out:View attachment 239736

one of my building blocks was being friends with older couple. Russ and Lil. I hunted there farm 25 years, and wife and I would spend Sunday afternoon a few time a month just hanging out fishing the ponds with the boys (listening) to old storied. Russ was a WW2 vet Lil was a very proper lady and loved our boys so much they became Papa and Nana. Having a mentor or mentors who give positive feed back help with the give and take process.

 

[Movi]

Difficult subject but so many of you exposed yourself in the hopes of helping others.

 

[Addicting]

She changed, she is not the same….

She is more understanding, compassionate, and knowledgeable.


I changed and I’m definitely not the same….

She helped me and I encourage her to find that spark in life again that was missing.

Encouragement and support to be us again individually is what we needed to be a better us collectively.

15 years and looking forward to as many as we can.

 

[Irrelevant]

For those looking to go the counselor route, recognize that many (most?) are not good. So prepare to shop around a bit, go a few sessions then reevaluate until you find a good one that fits your situation and works for both of you.

 

[Straight Arrow]

For those looking to go the counselor route, recognize that many (most?) are not good. So prepare to shop around a bit, go a few sessions then reevaluate until you find a good one that fits your situation and works for both of you.

Better yet embark on a canoe trip for several days. The challenge of canoe paddling synchronization, as well as hours and hours of good discussions, will make it or break it.

 

[Irrelevant]

Better yet embark on a canoe trip for several days. The challenge of canoe paddling synchronization, as well as hours and hours of good discussions, will make it or break it.

If I had to hang my marriage on a multi-day canoe trip, it would have been sunk years ago, and I'd have been left for dead!

 

[mdcrossbow]

Better yet embark on a canoe trip for several days. The challenge of canoe paddling synchronization, as well as hours and hours of good discussions, will make it or break it.

interesting our 1st date was to a crab house , second was a weekend canoe trip down the Potomac River. 6 months later we were married and 6 months after the with a son we went through 2 years of counseling with our pastor. 1 year apart and 1 year together. finally he said your at a good place. it's hasn't all be easy but many rewards.

one very important thing about marriage; find something your passionate about and incorporate it into your life. These passions, interests will help you avoid pitfalls, entrapments that will start downward spiral. I'm an artist with may talents that helps me to get my head together. She has her passions and we respect our space. It's great to get away and clear your mind of all the baggage you encounter. Helps with getting a fresh look.
41 years.

 

[hank4elk]

Better yet embark on a canoe trip for several days. The challenge of canoe paddling synchronization, as well as hours and hours of good discussions, will make it or break it.

Oh yeah, the 1st time we got half way down the lake and the wind comes up. It was going so well she did not want to turn back so soon. You figure some things out in 4 miles of spray in the face to get back to the truck.
Stacking wood & canoeing, she probably still excells at both. She is back to weaving ,after a talk with me a while back. She is damn good at it.
Friendship and interest in each other for who you are.
Some relationships last.

 

[Muskeez]

One thing I think that gets overlooked is your wedding vows. If you are a man or woman of your word and your word means something to you then you will consider your promises. If you are a man or woman of God then you also made a promise to God in those vows. Either way you likely stated,...For better or for worse... Not - "well, until it gets tough" , or "until one of us changes". You likely stated that you would be faithful to one another. I believe and it's also written that if your spouse is unfaithful then the bond is broken and you may divorce him/her. Some marriages can't be saved but I believe it's always best to TRY to work it out for as long as you can possibly take it and in many different ways and with many people's help before you go the divorce route. Hang in there folks! Life WILL get good again, one way or another!