Divorce, do you ever see it coming...

[nhenry]

Sometimes she needed to say, out loud and without judgment, "I hate being a mom (right now). This change in my life sucks and is not at all what I was expecting." Our culture might recoil at those statements, but having a kid is a major (MAJOR) life change and it's not always what it's cracked up to be.

My wife has done the same thing at times. It seems to help her enough and I know what she means so I don't get upset.

 

[Tiredofthebickering]

it's even been apparent in our pregnancy. i think it's getting worse in our culture too. social media really makes girls think both pregnancy and parenthood are going to be all sparkles.

i feel like i have post partum depression and i'm not a girl or a parent, yet.

Likely tied to the prevalence of the social media based, "my life/marriage/kids are perfect" nonsense. Poison, all of it.

 

[Tradewind]

I never been married but I have been in somewhere around 4 longer term relationships of over 3 -5 years each. I knew or think I knew the day each one no longer was interested.

I let them all leave on their own terms. About every one tried to double back after leaving out but I just told them if they didnt like me before they wouldnt like me now as I havent changed in the least.

I remain on good terms with all of them as I never allowed things to deteriorate into hurt feels. I dont view any of them as the enemy. No kids with any of them and I although they were at my place most of the time they all had kept their own places And finances. So easy breakup. I think trying to hang on to something that isnt working out for both parties is were the hurt feeling get started. And hurt feelers is trouble.

An old friend told me: "never chase women of buses. You always get left behind."

 

[Tiredofthebickering]

My wife has done the same thing at times. It seems to help her enough and I know what she means so I don't get upset.

Honestly it was good for me as a dad too. Let's be honest, I don't always like my kids. I love them always, but sometimes I don't like them. The same holds true for any relationship you might have. What makes one a good parent is being able to move past those feelings to embracing the responsibility of raising your kids to be good human beings. Raise good human beings and you'll like them a lot more often and, frankly, it makes loving them easier as well.

Relationship are hard. Humility and embracing the suck are (sometimes huge) parts of the experience.

Moving on a little bit, I'll share one of the most important things my wife and I learned. We actually learned it while we were figuring out how to be a family after our first kiddo. My wife came walking into the living room where I was lounging, dressed scruffy, and made a comment about why I hadn't bothered to care about my presentation even a little bit. I quickly responded something like, "Why, who am I trying to impress?"

Almost as quickly, I realized I had stopped caring about "impressing" my wife. Through conversation she came to a similar understanding. We had both stopped trying to give each other the best of ourselves and started giving each other the leftovers after dealing with the rest of the world (including the kiddo) all day. We weren't worried about treating each other better than anyone else, but were actually treating each other worse than just about anyone else. I wouldn't yell at my coffee/cafe/restaurant work for mishearing my order, why would I holler at my wife for a simple misunderstanding? I wouldn't lose my patience with my coworker and risk my job simply because they made some minor mistake (again), why would I lose my patience with my wife or a similarly minor mistake?

Our commitment to love each other should mean that we focus on being better to our spouse than we are to anyone else. It's a challenge because we tend to let our guard down the more familiar we are with people. But for my wife, who I proclaim to love more than anyone else in the world, I have to make it a point to keep my guard up and ensure that she gets the gets of me every day.

The Bible, which is important to my wife and I, has a well known verse that states, " Love is patient, love is kind. . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

For us, we've modified slightly to make it more specific. "Love is MORE patient, Love is MORE kind" etc. Because, as noted above, I can be patient or kind with random strangers. I should be MORE patient with the one I love.

We're not always successful, and sometimes we have to remind each other, but keeping this concept in the forefront has been somewhat of a game changer for us. We're going on 15 years in January.

Sorry for the diatribe. Long story short, give the ones you love the best of you, not the leftovers. And marriage/parenting/life is hard. Even marriage and parenting can be type 2 fun sometimes, lol.

 

[Nick87]

An old friend told me: "never chase women of buses. You always get left behind."

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro man.

 

[nhenry]

Honestly it was good for me as a dad too. Let's be honest, I don't always like my kids. I love them always, but sometimes I don't like them. The same holds true for any relationship you might have. What makes one a good parent is being able to move past those feelings to embracing the responsibility of raising your kids to be good human beings. Raise good human beings and you'll like them a lot more often and, frankly, it makes loving them easier as well.

Relationship are hard. Humility and embracing the suck are (sometimes huge) parts of the experience.

Moving on a little bit, I'll share one of the most important things my wife and I learned. We actually learned it while we were figuring out how to be a family after our first kiddo. My wife came walking into the living room where I was lounging, dressed scruffy, and made a comment about why I hadn't bothered to care about my presentation even a little bit. I quickly responded something like, "Why, who am I trying to impress?"

Almost as quickly, I realized I had stopped caring about "impressing" my wife. Through conversation she came to a similar understanding. We had both stopped trying to give each other the best of ourselves and started giving each other the leftovers after dealing with the rest of the world (including the kiddo) all day. We weren't worried about treating each other better than anyone else, but were actually treating each other worse than just about anyone else. I wouldn't yell at my coffee/cafe/restaurant work for mishearing my order, why would I holler at my wife for a simple misunderstanding? I wouldn't lose my patience with my coworker and risk my job simply because they made some minor mistake (again), why would I lose my patience with my wife or a similarly minor mistake?

Our commitment to love each other should mean that we focus on being better to our spouse than we are to anyone else. It's a challenge because we tend to let our guard down the more familiar we are with people. But for my wife, who I proclaim to love more than anyone else in the world, I have to make it a point to keep my guard up and ensure that she gets the gets of me every day.

The Bible, which is important to my wife and I, has a well known verse that states, " Love is patient, love is kind. . . It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

For us, we've modified slightly to make it more specific. "Love is MORE patient, Love is MORE kind" etc. Because, as noted above, I can be patient or kind with random strangers. I should be MORE patient with the one I love.

We're not always successful, and sometimes we have to remind each other, but keeping this concept in the forefront has been somewhat of a game changer for us. We're going on 15 years in January.

Sorry for the diatribe. Long story short, give the ones you love the best of you, not the leftovers. And marriage/parenting/life is hard. Even marriage and parenting can be type 2 fun sometimes, lol.

That's darn solid advice that I needed to hear actually. Thank you, sir.

 

[Tradewind]

Harley Davidson and the Marlboro man.

figured he borrowed it somewhere

 

[glass eye]

Been married 35 years.
A few months ago my wife was talking with our 34 year old daughter and they were discussing her younger cousins that got married and their marriages either didn't last long or are currently on the rocks.
I'm standing about 4 feet from them and they know this, and my wife says to my daughter in a very casual ,matter of factly way "If I had known your father better when we were dating, I would have never married him".
OUCH !
My daughter says "Mom, what a terrible thing to say, Dad is standing right here"
If she had said this in anger during a fight or as a joke it wouldn't of hurt so bad. But she said it calmly and matter of factly.
At first I laughed it off but it ate away at me and still does when I think about. I'm not angry with her but rather angry at myself that I could make her feel that way.
I work alone, always have, so I listen to music all day long. Supertramp "Long way home" instantly popped in my head.
Then I heard a song that's on my playlist. I've heard it many times and like the sound but the lyrics never resonated with me until now.
12 Stones "Bury Me"

 

[mdcrossbow]

With everything that's been said, I need to say, your only responsible for your actions. If your spouse walks out it's not on you. My pastor told me right after he married us: if you can't make it in marriage it will be difficult for you to make it in life. It took me many years to realize what he ment.
I believe he was telling me focus on what you bring to the marriage, stay true, be resolute in your heart, and let go and let God lead.
I know this is what by wife believes also and for the reason we remain committed, in love through the hard times and rejoice in the good times.
I don't judge anyone who has gone through divorce, my son just go ingauged after his wife walked out. A number of friends have also and remarried, finding a true soul-mate.
I've had pastors, councilors and friends tell me you should end it. But my decision is just that between me and my Lord. It's on me and I alone.

 

[Hammsolo]

Great message. After offending, befriending, then "infatuating" my soulmate we have been married this month for 36 of the happiest years of life.
Note: as a friend I once cut firewood and delivered it to her, as she was a single mom. Jokingly, I remind her of "persuading" me to marry her with the point that "I would only have to cut firewood for one place!"

I wooed my wife with trailers of bark! She still gets turned on by landscape supplies. Flowers vs. River Rock? River Rock every time.

 

[Hammsolo]

When I joined HT it wasn’t for topics like this. I thought I’d be endowed with vast knowledge of the wily wapiti. Dang it, it’s even better. I shared this thread with my wife, a mental health counselor. It sounds cheesy, but she’s proud of us. She smiled and said this is what people need, healthy open tribes.

She is also wanted to reiterate what some have said. Shop for a counselor, and find a talented skilled fit. Look for someone that uses evidence based practices, and isn’t just a “listener.” Counseling is like a marriage in some ways. It’s a relationship. Success is based on the partners, and what they’re capable and able to put it to the relationship.

 

[Islander]

Divorce, do you ever see it coming...

...Sometimes it's clear as day.

 

[Dougfirtree]

For those looking to go the counselor route, recognize that many (most?) are not good. So prepare to shop around a bit, go a few sessions then reevaluate until you find a good one that fits your situation and works for both of you.

 

[Pelican]

I guess I’m going to join a a club nobody wants to be in.

 

[Redmt]

There must be a membership drive going. It seems my daughter and son in law are joining also.

 

[Pelican]

There must be a membership drive going. It seems my daughter and son in law are joining also.

 

[Carl 9.3x62]

There must be a membership drive going. It seems my daughter and son in law are joining also.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't lose hope.

 

[Marshian]

I came ridiculously close over the summer. Sold my Montana house and gave resignation to my job to relocate us to the southeast only to have my wife realize grass wasn’t greener and got to stay in Montana. I was commuting and praying for strength and hoping for the best, making my peace with leaving the mountain west. Went down a dark hole in the those months of commuting back and forth tho. Until you’ve been there, you can’t understand how quick an upstanding life can turn and you contemplate to shun God or hit the bottle or turn a wandering eye. Once married, your wife is really your life even beyond kids really since they aren’t your equal, and the thought or reality of losing that can totally break you. Makes me sympathetic and best wishes.

 

[Redmt]

In my daughter's situation it may not be such a bad resolution. They are both good people. She is an alpha, he is not. They are both very hard working. She is a self starter driven to succeed in everything she does. Self taught IT tech. Quit a 125k job to open a bakery by herself. Only a small loan that she paid back quickly. He is very hard working at anything he is aimed at by someone opening the door for him. He went from a part time tow truck driver to a qualified heavy equipment mechanic. He will do a good job at whatever job someone provides for him. He's a good person. They have grown apart.
If there was an issue for either of them it would be my daughter can be very much a smart ass and says what she thinks. She acts on her ideas. He was raised to be a very selfish person. You can't fault either one of them for the way they were raised. They both are products of their parents.
In this case nobody including the kids are happy. There's a lot of resentment between them that has festered over the last 17 years of marriage. I don't see that either one is a bad guy. They have just come to be very incompatible. It's not good for them and definitely not good for my grandkids.
Edit. A difficult thing for me is to not take sides. Obviously, as my daughter I favor her in the outcome. He has become a pretty good friend as we have many things in common. I told them both that I take no sides unless she happens to show up with a bloody nose. At that point the game would change very quickly. Fortunately neither of them is a physical type personality.

 

[Hem]

Divorce is tough. My experience from the standpoint of a kid.
The only time which causes tension in my household is hunting season. Weekends I am home mostly.