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AITA (Am i the @$$hole)?

Marshian

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I’m posting this more to vent so thanks for allowing me the catharsis. A brief backstory is that I’m a medical professional who gave up my twenties living in major cities to achieve my degree and met my wife in the city during my last year of training. My goal was always to move to the mountain west, and we have been there for over a decade. She is very close to her mother and they are both immigrants so our smaller community lacks the immigrant population that she is very fond of and feels more at home at. I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move.

Eleven years have passed and we now an elementary school daughter. I have made good on my word to my wife that literally any time that she or her mom wants to fly to visit each other, I will pay the ticket no questions asked. In addition, I paid cash for half her mom’s house so she could retire to the south without a mortgage and she owes me nothing in the meantime, only that I get half the house value after she passes which isn’t exactly a wise investment overall. Her mother was able to retire but hadn’t visited nearly as much as I’d hoped (about twice a year). My wife and daughter fly to her about 3-4 times a year so in total they see each other probably about 40-60 days a year, and could do more if her mother came to us more since we are limited by our daughters school year.

In addition, I paid for my wife’s education and she is now a stay at home mom who is able to volunteer at our daughters school and be with her as much as she wishes.

My current job is fantastic and jobs in the new location would be a 10-15% pay cut and/ or a 25-50% reduction in vacation not to mention having to start over with building my reputation, etc. The upside is my wife would be very supportive with me flying back to the west and also Alaska to hunt for 3-4 weeks per year albeit I would be a non-resident.

I love my wife dearly and fear that eventually this will boil down to an ultimatum and if we did split, I would defer and let her take our daughter to the new state which would probably end up making me move there anyways to see her. This is of course a horrible, worst case scenario and my wife and I love each other very much and overall are doing very well. It’s just this one pretty major sticking point. Anyways, I realize this kind of post to a hunting forum is akin to financial advice and pretty inappropriate. Mostly I just wanted to vent and air it out so thanks for the venue to do so.
 
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Tough situation for sure and I feel for you. Does this location in the south have an immigrant community that she seeks or just her mother? I can't imagine moving just to be closer to my mother-in-law, and then face the loss in income and vacation time. You didn't mention if she works? If not, would she work in the new location to help make up the differnece in loss of family income? A reduction puts you that much farther away from retirement, which means more working . . . for you.
It's easy for a third party to give advice on relationship issues when in reality there are so many intricacies the only person who knows the right answer is you. (You could also offer to have your MIL sell her current home and move out to your city, which would seem to check all the boxes, except lack of an immigrant community.)
 
I'm happy to read that you value your reputation in the medical community that you have established over the years. A less than stellar provider might want a do-over and start out fresh somewhere else.

I hope that transparency and a deep and abiding love can work through the issues, for all of you.
 
She is very close to her mother and they are both immigrants so our smaller community lacks the immigrant population that she is very fond of and feels more at home at. I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move.
I hate to point out the obvious. But it is going to be hard to get around this part.
 
Don't envy your setting one bit! I don't have advice or input to share other than remain strong, most importantly, and I could very well be wrong though from my boat, daughter determines all if wavering with wife.
Daughter is forever.
 
I love my wife dearly and fear that eventually this will boil down to an ultimatum and if we did split,


This single sentence defies the logic of your post. Contemplating a split doesn't usually become a consideration under the circumstances you describe when you are claiming your devotion to your wife. The vessel sounds like it is already cracked and ready to break. You need to reconsider what is important in your life (both your wife and daughter) and you have to make the right decision, no one else can do that for you...
 
I'll boil down what I just read here: I don't want to do the thing I told my wife I would do, and I think that I shouldn't have to because I pay for everything.

Do you love your wife and kid or not dude? Would you really break up your marriage and make your child deal with it over something so trivial? Really??

I’m posting this more to vent so thanks for allowing me the catharsis. A brief backstory is that I’m a medical professional who gave up my twenties living in major cities to achieve my degree and met my wife in the city during my last year of training. My goal was always to move to the mountain west, and we have been there for over a decade. She is very close to her mother and they are both immigrants so our smaller community lacks the immigrant population that she is very fond of and feels more at home at. I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move.

Eleven years have passed and we now an elementary school daughter. I have made good on my word to my wife that literally any time that she or her mom wants to fly to visit each other, I will pay the ticket no questions asked. In addition, I paid cash for half her mom’s house so she could retire to the south without a mortgage and she owes me nothing in the meantime, only that I get half the house value after she passes which isn’t exactly a wise investment overall. Her mother was able to retire but hadn’t visited nearly as much as I’d hoped (about twice a year). My wife and daughter fly to her about 3-4 times a year so in total they see each other probably about 40-60 days a year, and could do more if her mother came to us more since we are limited by our daughters school year.

In addition, I paid for my wife’s education and she is now a stay at home mom who is able to volunteer at our daughters school and be with her as much as she wishes.

My current job is fantastic and jobs in the new location would be a 10-15% pay cut and/ or a 25-50% reduction in vacation not to mention having to start over with building my reputation, etc. The upside is my wife would be very supportive with me flying back to the west and also Alaska to hunt for 3-4 weeks per year albeit I would be a non-resident.

I love my wife dearly and fear that eventually this will boil down to an ultimatum and if we did split, I would defer and let her take our daughter to the new state which would probably end up making me move there anyways to see her. This is of course a horrible, worst case scenario and my wife and I love each other very much and overall are doing very well. It’s just this one pretty major sticking point. Anyways, I realize this kind of post to a hunting forum is akin to financial advice and pretty inappropriate. Mostly I just wanted to vent and air it out so thanks for the venue to do so.
 
I've never been where you are and I don't think you are an a$$hole.

Many times on this forum I have said that geographic love is very similar to the love we have for others. Not for everyone, but the locations and cultures on the map you have existed within and sought out and loved is as inextricable from you as those humans who have come in and out of your life. Watching places die is very similar in terms of grief to watching those we love dying. I believe it now more than ever.

Don't know what to say other than you are not an a$$hole. I hope you can find the words to tell your wife what your death as a mountain-westerner might mean for you, knowing full well nothing is as important as keeping your family together. I don't know how you quantify resentment, but I would be aware of its existence, potential or otherwise, in both of you.

I have no skin in this game. But you have a wife and daughter and a job and options, and that is no small feat in this universe, and is always on offer for perspective.
 
I agree with the others that it’s your decision. I am doing something similar but the opposite. I still live in California even though as a hunter, I can’t stand the California politics. My kid and my wife want to stay so I stay and life is good. I just travel more to hunt out of state. Yes the dumasses give us shit for being from California but we have friends all over the US that know we’re capable hunters and they respect and accept us. My point is that my wife and I give and take and we get along great. She has deep roots here and I respect that. Until she’s ready to leave I’m staying with her as per following the vows I took 37 years ago.
 
Tough situation for sure and I feel for you. Does this location in the south have an immigrant community that she seeks or just her mother? I can't imagine moving just to be closer to my mother-in-law, and then face the loss in income and vacation time. You didn't mention if she works? If not, would she work in the new location to help make up the differnece in loss of family income? A reduction puts you that much farther away from retirement, which means more working . . . for you.
It's easy for a third party to give advice on relationship issues when in reality there are so many intricacies the only person who knows the right answer is you. (You could also offer to have your MIL sell her current home and move out to your city, which would seem to check all the boxes, except lack of an immigrant community.)
The specifics probably don’t really matter but we met in the Midwest and that’s where I assumed we would return when the time came and we had that talk a decade ago. Now her family lives in very urban southern Florida and there are both relatives and fellow immigrants there.
 
The specifics probably don’t really matter but we met in the Midwest and that’s where I assumed we would return when the time came and we had that talk a decade ago. Now her family lives in very urban southern Florida and there are both relatives and fellow immigrants there.
That would be a deal breaker for me. I will move but moving into a urban south FL city is absolutely a NO. There is a compromise in there somewhere if you love each other.
 
The specifics probably don’t really matter but we met in the Midwest and that’s where I assumed we would return when the time came and we had that talk a decade ago. Now her family lives in very urban southern Florida and there are both relatives and fellow immigrants there.
I'll also quote this from your original post, "I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move."

It sounds like you're been accommodating from the beginning and promised to be accommodating in the future.

That being said, I've just moved from, urban, far south Florida and don't miss it a bit. I would recommend looking for compromise areas. For example, East TN where I am now is only a 1.5 hour or so flight back to south FL and there are several straight through flights every week at a reasonable rate. That's darn doable for anyone. And I'd bet there are many other places within a 1-1.5 hour flight that are much more enjoyable than South Florida.

There are few places that replicate the extensive immigrant culture of South Florida however, especially if your wife is of central/South American or island descent. But I'd probably really push her to name the benefits of that culture that she feels she is missing and try to find some semblance elsewhere.
 
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