AITA (Am i the @$$hole)?

[Gr8bawana]

No you're not an A-hole, but you did make a promise to your wife.
You know the old saying "Happy Wife Happy Life". I know I personally wouldn't be willing to forego my wife and kids in order to make myself happy. I hope you and your family are able to work out your dilemma.

 

[DouglasR]

less money is one thing but 25-50% less vacation time
You’ve gotta put the Mac down on this one.

 

[Nick87]

less money is one thing but 25-50% less vacation time
You’ve gotta put the Mac down on this one.

I went from 4 weeks paid vacation to 0. Dont get me wrong theres days where I wish I could take off and still get paid. But I'm still happier. 4 weeks of happiness isnt a good trade if the other 48 weeks are miserable.

 

[Lyfter1013]

So your wife wants you to leave an area where you would take a substantial pay cut, and an extreme cut in vacation time when you are the bread winner and have worked to establish yourself just because she wants to be around people more “like her” from Her original country? That doesn’t sound like a good decision for your family. There’s more that could be said but I will hold My tongue.

I don’t think you’re an a**h*** I would have a logical conversation with her laying out the numbers and why you think it isn’t a wise decision. I think it’s more selfish to want to move and force you to take the pay cut and lose vacation time
Which will Negatively effect your time
With your family just so your wife can be closer to more immigrants. Unless there’s more reasons why she doesn’t like where you are living I’m not seeing being close to more immigrants as a realistic reason to leave what you have.

Some Guys will probably call me an a**h*** for my response but at the end of the day to me that isn’t a valid reason to uproot and lose what you have established.. compromise does go both ways…

 

[Lyfter1013]

I went from 4 weeks paid vacation to 0. Dont get me wrong theres days where I wish I could take off and still get paid. But I'm still happier. 4 weeks of happiness isnt a good trade if the other 48 weeks are miserable.

Every situation is different. When I left my previous job I lost 50% of my time off and it was miserable and i Hated it with a passion. If your old job sucked that bad then that’s one thing but I would never accept a job unless my vacation was matched or at least come close to being matched again took a lot of time from my
Family and that’s something you cannot get back.

 

[Nick87]

The compromise to me is what's going to make the best home life for your daughter by being somewhere you can both agree on. Pay cuts and vacation time are really bullshit compared to that.

 

[Nick87]

Every situation is different. When I left my previous job I lost 50% of my time off and it was miserable and i Hated it with a passion. If your old job sucked that bad then that’s one thing but I would never accept a job unless my vacation was matched or at least come close to being matched again took a lot of time from my
Family and that’s something you cannot get back.

I still take time off it just isnt paid.

 

[DouglasR]

4 weeks of happiness isnt a good trade if the other 48 weeks are miserable.

I’m always thinking about this or if I’m just taking my current job for granted.

 

[Hunt&FishCO]

I had a situation with this type - but actually read the writing on the wall; I decided not to marry her. That advice doesn’t really help you unfortunately.

Take some responsibility - there was clear writing on the wall about what her priorities were/are (being close to her family).

The weird part in the abbreviated version is where your kid falls into this equation. I’d assume your both considering what’s best for the kid? Are you close to your own family? What happens when her Moms’ sick and passes - can you move back?

Here’s how I’d solve your dilemma:

- State that your (her) living standards would take a hit moving to FL since you’ll have less career opportunities. Tell her she’ll need to work again
- School district(s) are probably inferior - bring kids schooling/friends as leverage
- Say you’ll buy a small condo so she can spend as much time as she wants down in the gator hole
- Hunt more/have more time to yourself

 

[DouglasR]

Tell her she’ll need to work again

 

[Hunting Wife]

Sounds like a tough spot. I can sympathize …it can be tough to balance all the needs that two people bring to a partnership. There must be some kind of compromise. Would remaining in the West, but nearer a larger town with more cultural diversity fulfill some of her needs? Perhaps her mother would come visit more if you were in a location that offered that cultural connection? Or being closer to her mother, though a state or two away in a place with better outdoor and work options for you?

From what you’ve written, it certainly seems you’ve done quite a lot to please her. I hope you both can find a reasonable compromise that you can live with. Best of luck.

 

[SFC B]

To me the promise you made up front is important BUT for you the most important portion of the decision is what is best for your DAUGHTER in whole. This means schools, friends, local environment and quality of life. You and your wife are grownups who can deal with your choices.....she is subject to those choices without recourse.

Not sure where you are in the west but having lived in several different locations in the south I could NOT imagine doing that to my kids in their formative years ( I say this with experience, having HAD to do a year in NC in order to get where we settled finally).

During my military career and after retirement from that I had to do a LOT of things (living locations, specific assignments and deployments) that were absolutely opposite to my wishes in order to secure my kids best opportunities. This equated to probably at least half of my FT working life. My wife was focused on that as well. My last is (HP) is a senior in HS now and when she enrolls in college a LARGE portion of my sacrifice/compromise will have ceased.

You and your wife have to seriously and reasonably do a cost/benefit analysis about your daughters wants and needs as the #1 priority.

 

[Deleted member 20812]

I don’t have much to add other than trying to leverage with your wife and kids to me is a non starter. Don’t be petty. Don’t be punitive. Don’t make threats about work or school.

Have open and honest conversations and take turns prioritizing the different aspects that come into play.

This is a group decision and I’m sure a tough one. You have my sympathy. I am praying for a reasonable and workable outcome for all.

 

[OverlordBear]

The specifics probably don’t really matter but we met in the Midwest and that’s where I assumed we would return when the time came and we had that talk a decade ago. Now her family lives in very urban southern Florida and there are both relatives and fellow immigrants there.

I would not discount Florida just let her know you ll be pursuing trophy ocean fish the way you pursued elk. And just let her know after the move you will budget you to flying out west for hunting in close to the same amount of days you previously flew her and your daughter to see her mother.

You should compromise to keep your marriage together. You need to stay in both of their lives since you made a commitment and oath when you got married and impregnated your wife. But don’t be afraid to ask for concessions during the compromise.

if you just flat out leave them with no compromise then you are the a-hole.

 

[Irrelevant]

Fyi Seattle is plenty diverse and you can get to some pretty sweet spots in a couple hours

 

[D_Walt]

Tough spot, but it sounds like there might be more to it - maybe some relationship issues to shore up prior to making a major life decision. NR tags are cheaper than a divorce though. I have no other advice than to drop the “I paid for it” mentality, when I quit that line of thinking it helped us tremendously. Nobody ever feels content when they feel like they are not in control of their own future, be it finances, career or relationship. I wish you all the best of luck and sincerely hope you find some common ground and work it out.

 

[Cornell2012]

I don’t have much to add other than trying to leverage with your wife and kids to me is a non starter. Don’t be petty. Don’t be punitive. Don’t make threats about work or school.

Have open and honest conversations and take turns prioritizing the different aspects that come into play.

This is a group decision and I’m sure a tough one. You have my sympathy. I am praying for a reasonable and workable outcome for all.

This seems like solid advice.

OP: It seems like part of the issue is location - Florida is the big sticking point, but moving back to the midwest would be acceptable. When you made the initial deal, this is what you had in mind. From your perspective, the conditions of the deal have changed. From her perspective, they haven't, and she's just asking you to make good on the original deal. You need to have an open conversation about how things have changed over the years. Find that area of mutual agreement.

 

[fishing4sanity]

Hopefully you find something of value in the responses you've received, there are a lot of good people on this forum and they're truly hoping for the best outcome, myself included. However, as I look at your last paragraph and read between the lines, I get the feeling there's more at issue than moving to Florida or not. I may be the ahole in this thread, but really look inside and your wife needs to as well. Are there other issues at stake, which the potential move is just part of? I've been married 38 years, most of those years have been great, but there have been some rough patches too. I'd recommend marriage counseling/therapy, but when we did that I think we'd have gotten better advice from a box of fortune cookies. There's got to be some good ones out there or the profession would be gone. Make sure you're both open and honest with yourselves and each other. I sincerely hope the best for you and your family.

 

[Boarmaster]

I don't envy your situation. A few times over my life I almost entered into relationships that would have ended badly. Not because either one of us was a bad person or or an AHole but just because we had different dreams. One especially was difficult to end as we got along great. But, when I went to sleep I dreamed of waking up in a cabin with the sound of a trout stream outside and she dreamed of waking up at the Ritz Carlton with the sound of room service bringing the morning fruit and mimosa’s. After 4 years of dating we decided that it wasnt going to be forever and if it was one of us was not going to be happy so instead of getting married we went on our separate ways.
I have ended or let end other relationships prior to marriage as I felt the love but could see trouble on the far horizon. i never figured on marriage resolving any issues on its own. These were due to issues with the woman's family.
I realize your already married and have a child so your situation is very much different from mine. But I wish you the best of luck.

 

[JShane]

FWIW Central Florida, North Florida aren't what south Florida is. Don't know what state you are currently in but Florida has no state income tax and maybe that offsets the 10-15% pay cut. the Culture of South Florida extends far beyond said geographic location. The fishing is on another level here, being a nonresident that has a decade worth of resident knowledge of hunting areas puts you in limited company. don't know how old your daughter is but if she takes to enjoying the outdoors and hunting like you then you're talking about father daughter road trips to hunt out west. That' quality time right there. Make the move, you'll find that change is the only constant and peace is far more valuable than justice.