Having a bad couple of days...

JohnCushman

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As many of you know, I am an Iraq vet. This song really means a lot to me. I had one job to do in Iraq, and that was to save lives. I failed and Izzy died. That fact haunts me to this day. No amount of drugs and alcohol and happy pills takes that pain and embarrassment and shame away. I dream about it every night and it creeps into my thoughts every day. I have had a gun to my head on more than one occasion, but I was too much of a pussy to pull the trigger. I have wished for and begged for death and it never comes. I can't figure out how to explain what goes on in my head to Jeana or my mom so that they would understand. So, put on the happy face and live day to day. Some days are better that others and Jeana has brought me a little sense of peace. She tries so hard to make and keep me happy and I will never be able to give back to her what she gives to me. Please watch this video. It is a heavy metal song, but listen to the words carefully....Thanks for listening...Cush




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_l4Ab5FRwM
 
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kansasdad

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John, if you didn't care so much, it wouldn't hurt so much that he didn't make it. Your kids, wife and step kids all need you to be there for them, and to be as healthy in your head as possible. You need to take care of yourself at least half as well as you do your dependents.
 

MNElkNut

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John,
First of all thank you for your service. As I look at my wonderful family and the lives we are able to lead, I realize that it is you and people like you that have sacrificed so much for us to be able to do that. My appreciation runs deep. Although I know little about you personally (lucky for you that I don't hunt Antelope in Colorado or you might lose your crown:hump:), I still care.

Beyond that, please take care of yourself for both you and your loved ones. Only we can decide for ourselves to be happy and I pray that you will find a way to decide to be happy.
 

ashersdad

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John,
I can't begin to understand what you have been through and how it has affected your life. All I can say is thank you for doing what you did to allow me and my family continue to enjoy the freedoms we have. As you mentioned, take it a day at a time and remember how many people love and depend on you.

You have a lot of friends on this site and we are all here if you should need anything. Stay strong my friend.
 

VAspeedgoat

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John,
Although we have only posted back and forth a few times I sure have grown to appreciate your outlook on things. I have never served ( diabetes ) and could never understand what fine men like you have to endure for the rest of us. We may never meet but know that I will pray you find the peace you and your family needs.

On a side note, you stated that you were a to much of a pussy to pull the trigger. In all due respect, only a pussy would pull the trigger. It takes grit and heart to know you have to fight on for yourself and everyone around you.

God bless you John, please take care of yourself, I know many others on this forum besides me care for you.

Charlie
 

Sawtooth

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John,
Thanks for posting the music video. Even though many of us have no idea of the pain and torment you and so many other soldiers are going through each day, this video does a great job at giving us a slight view into what you are experiencing. This video should be required viewing by all the congressmen before they make any vote dealing with funding of our veteran hospitals and other government programs which are designed to help our returning soldiers. Thanks for your service and please remember that there are a lot of guys on this forum that look forward to your unique insight and comments.
 

RobertR

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Although I never served I know what's going through your mind, because my neibor was in Vietnam and I talked him down several times.
I to have had some rough times but always turned a negative into a positive by helping others. I have found it makes me smile by doing something my dad would have liked and I know he's smiling back.
It's really amazing if you listen to the words of a song to get the real message.
 

Stubaby

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I'm not the most spiritual person in the world and I don't want anyone to feel that I'm pushing religion. However, in this talk there are some very good things that anyone can rely on. I happen to believe every word he says. I read this every now and then and it has helped me through some trying times.

I've had some good friends talk to me about close combat and some if the things that go with it. I thank them and you for the service given.


https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
 

Gerald Martin

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Thanks for posting up the video John. You are right that no amount of drugs, alcohol or happy pills will take that pain away. But for your family's sake, your sake and in honor of the life that Izzy lived do not consider your inability to save Izzy a failure that you need to be ashamed of. You took two bullets yourself. There's not a man on this forum or in the service anywhere who wouldn't feel honored to shake your hand and thank you for what you did accomplish.
God never intended for you to carry this on your own strength. Let Him take care of the past and what you couldn't do. Living a life that Izzy would be proud of will never bring him back, but it will honor his memory and will provide security and example for the ones you love. Hang in there buddy! It will be great to sit around the fire and swap stories with you in a few weeks.
 

elkmagnet

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In all due respect, only a pussy would pull the trigger. It takes grit and heart to know you have to fight on for yourself and everyone around you.

This.
You are stronger than you think! I am truly sorry that you and so many good people are suffering from war. I hope you can find your peace and live a long happy life.
In my mind the only thing worse than loosing one good man to a bad situation is loosing two.
Please take care of yourself John!
 

JLS

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Almost Arkansas…..
I agree, it would have taken a real pussy to pull the trigger. The real courage was in choosing not to.

A real man of honor and courage stands up to face his demons. It takes a hell of a lot of guts to speak of your torment. God is not done with you yet, or he would have already called you home.

I have witnessed first hand the holes that suicide tears into a family. I also know that it is merely a reflection of the dark places that the person resides in. Stand strong brother, there are people here that need you.

I pray for healing to come to you, thank you for your service.
 

mixedbag

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I hope you find some peace mybrother..I had an accident 25 years ago which cost a man his life and it took a long time to recover from that.Hard to explain to a counselor the images in your mind watching someone die,I know.Time heals all wounds and I've been there and done it
Honor your buddy by living life!Drugs and alcohol don't change the facts.Dealt with it that way myself.Keep your head up,and do your best to enjoy each day.
 

mdhunter

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Thanks for sharing the video as it will open the eyes of anyone who takes a moment to watch.

My grandfather taught me to hunt and was a mentor. He would often say that "it's always darkest before the dawn". I think about that whether I am walking in for a hunt extra early in the morning or having a tough day family or work.

You will find your peace by living and loving one day at a time.
 

pabearhunter

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John, We all did thing in the service that we were told to do or did them on our own. Some were right and some were wrong but we did them. What happened in the service STAYS in the service. I also know it is hard to forget and I still have the bad memories but you have to think of all the good things we have now. Think about what this country might be like if we did not do the things we did. With you man !!!!
 

Muskeez

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I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles John. You have surely seen more than anyone should have to, but it takes a true man to put on his boots every day and keep trying like you did every day over there. That's all we can do, is try to make today better than yesterday and if we fail, we try again the next day. You have a purpose in life yet or you wouldn't be here. We don't always know what that purpose is, but it's out there. Maybe part of it is helping other civilians like myself understand some things. Maybe it's helping raise kids and someday being one helluva grandpa. The fact is you can't live out that purpose if you're not here. Peace be with you man! I have no doubt you are loved by many!
 

sbhooper

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I hear ya, John. My oldest son went through a terrible time after getting back from Iraq. He is doing fairly well now. MMA has really been helpful for him.

Having been to Iraq and experience but a small part of what you did, I, too, have some issues that won't go away.. The one thing that I really notice now, is that it is impossible to talk to someone about it that has not been there. There is a bad disconnect with people that have not served in the military when it comes to understanding.

As bad as it is for current vets, I cannot even imagine how the Viet Nam vets felt when they were just tossed to winds when they returned. WW2 and Korean vets were pretty much in the same boat. At least now, there are avenues for assistance for at least some people.

Keep your chin up, brother.
 

aspiringhillbilly

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John,
Thanks for your sacrifice! And because of that sacrifice, all of us, thousands of us on these forums, can enjoy what we love and link up and talk about what we love, because of you an Izzy and others like you. You can see the impact your sacrifice has on others just from this post. It brings appreciative people out of the corners of this country to rush in and support you and put hunting to the side. I did not serve, my son was a Ranger, my Father in law was in 30 years and was a Ranger, my Dad was 11th Airborne during Korea. Thank you John, Izzy and my family for keeping us free! And John, don't let those demons talk you into checking out and robbing you, your family and everyone here of all you have to offer the future.
 

Corax

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Thank you for your service and thank you for posting the link to the video. Those of us who have not served owe our freedom to those of you that have. It is too easy to forget the debt we owe.

Much of the media and what passes for the "intelligentsia" in this country did not agree with any of the wars this country fought since 1950, so the vets from those conflicts continue to get a very rough deal.
 

mtmuley

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Hey John, hope today finds you better. I can't begin to know what you went through. From your posts it sounds like you have people that need you, and that you yourself need. Hope you don't consider the other options again. Besides, there's a bull elk out there with your name on it. Take care, mtmuley
 

putm2sleep

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God
Bless ya John - cried for ya and now will pray for
You brother!
-
And you just drive that truck north and come have
A beer and back straps if you ever need. Doors always
Open and will leave the light on!
 

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