I read a marriage book once that made an interesting analogy as to why marriage is such a challenging relationship for everyone that enters into it. The author described every individual as being filled with small cracks, these cracks being character flaws. Getting married is like driving an overweight truck across a bridge with all these cracks in it and they widen and deepen. Marriage didn't cause the cracks, but it made them impossible to ignore.
I've realized mental health is very similar. The issues may have always been there but been a functional non-issue. But as life becomes more challenging the mental health cracks widen and deepen, becoming impossible to ignore.
A flash point in this was my General elk hunt in Wyoming last year, a hunt plagued by anxiety and worry. Particularly anxiety and worry about nothing in particular and especially nothing in particular that warranted such worry or anxiety. A daily mental spiral that paralyzed my ability to do the job I set out to do, literally and figuratively. This culminated in me bailing on going after some nice bulls I found in some hell holes and settling on a spike elk in a much easier spot. I don't regret how that turned out. But the degree to which my brain continually fell apart last fall while out there alone and the magnitude of my inability to enjoy myself on many days gave me pause in retrospect.
It wasn't the elk hunt alone that made me wonder more about what might be wrong, it was all over my life. I was constantly feeling fatigued regardless of how much i slept, intense restlessness in my brain, rampant forgetfulness, and anger. The anger was interesting. I'm described by everyone I know as a very calming quiet presence and rather patient. But it was the way I would randomly snap and just be so angry about either trivial things or things that didn't warrant the response.
I talked to my doctor many times over the years thinking there must be something wrong with my thyroid or other hormones. My blood tests were always immaculate and every doctor visit resulted in nothing of concern.
So, this summer I decided (with the prodding of my wife) to start seeing a therapist. Never thought I would sign up for therapy, but again, last years elk hunt was still a bit of flashpoint and the increasing stress of life was making my problems impossible to ignore. The worst of it, I felt, at least in my mind, I was not the husband and father I always want to be.
It didn't take long, my therapist had some hunches right out of the gate. A few sessions and some formal tests later I was diagnosed with ADHD and Depression.
