Marriage advice for a newbie

[madtom]

If it works for you then great. But I would guess over 30 years and a couple of kids, one “partner” getting to go on unlimited grand vacations because they make more, while the lower earning spouse only gets crumbs is not the recipe to success or happiness. To each there own, but I think people can do better than turning marriage into a personal income accounting exercise. Presumably both partners bring something to the table, for one it may be higher income potential, for the other it may be gluing the family together - just because there are bank accounts for money doesn’t mean that it is more special than the love support and commitments to share between loving spouses. I find it odd that the high earner would claim unique benefit of the money but somehow expect fair and equal sharing of all the rest - I think that is a mistake for most in the long term. YMMV.

Do you make approximately the same amount? Seems like a little lopsided if say you made 150K / year and your wife made 35k/year. While your percentage of the shared contributions would be higher, you'd be left with a much larger disposable income after expenses then your spouse. Also, gets more complicated when you add in kids.

I've been much happier with combined finances that without, and I make 50% more than my wife. Shared goals and working together has put me light years ahead of where I was just doing my own thing spending/saving/giving as I pleased.

We make close to the same amount, but it's based on percentage. So, because I make slightly less than she does, I contribute slightly less than she does. Don't remember the exact numbers, but roughly 30% of each of our monthly income goes into the shared account.

The future will tell whether upping our contributions once we have kids will be a workable situation. For now, it works for both of us and we both feel like we have enough "extra" money to do the things we want. For us (right now), it's much better than looking at a spreadsheet every month and trying to agree who can buy what.

 

[LopeHunter]

Do you have a household budget? If not, get working on that and if there is currently room for any hunting expenditures then those amounts should be in that budget for the month the money goes out and the month some of the money comes back though if you draw a tag will be less coming back and some more going out obviously. Having the budget makes it easy to see if can add another species or state.

I do not agree you should have a side game you hide from what I assume is one of the people you are closest to in the world. Stress kills relationships and people. Financial stress is top reason American marriages fail. Not even a bighorn ram hunt is worth walking away from a good friend.

No issue if you each have a bucket of individually discretionary funds. My wife and I do this and mine goes 90% to outdoors activities including hunting applications and gear while hers goes to relaxation and spas. Each of our buckets had about 1 week of combined take home earnings so between us there was about 5% of annual take home set aside for fun and sun. Both were busy for careers and was easier to get away alone than together anyway back then.

 

[davinski]

Plan for the long haul. Everyone is different, but having a partner and a fan who encourages you to take the time and resources to make you happy/keep your sanity is the goal. Odds are, that takes years to build up. If you can't do every single hunt you want in the early years, consider it just banking time toward when you can (and will be a more experienced hunter anyway). For most people, the early marriage years and little kid years are pretty tight to be dropping money with commas in it on hunts and tags. That's ok, it's life, it's awesome, and makes the time you do get that much more precious.
Setting aside a separate account or card just for tags is an excellent way to go. Stay disciplined and keep that account just for that stuff, building it up over the years. Giving the boss the digits and access for when she ever wants to see or for when you croak is a good idea for lots of reasons. But just the act of giving her access typically means she won't ever be very interested. And then just keep building up that account and your tag options. The years will tick by faster than you think.
I'm at a point where, when fall rolls around, I typically get kind of cabin feverish anyway (a-hole is a little strong, but you get the idea) and both my wife and my business partners encourage me to get away for a while. By January I've usually had a few hunts under my belt and my tank is full again and I can handle a few months until turkey season starts.

 

[Addicting]

I trust her without hesitation.

Bingo! Is making a spreadsheet every time you want to do this trust?

 

[Deleted member 18333]

If you wanting to purchase PP or apply in other states is going to send you to the Doghouse then this marriage is not a good fit. You, as a couple, can either afford to do that or you can't. Splitting un-required expenses 50/50 did not work for my wife and I. It started more arguments than it fixed. Determining a % based off what each of us earns would not have worked either. Early on in our marriage she did not work. Currently, I earn roughly 30X more than her. Me getting to spend 30X more on extravagances than she does seemed rather unfair in my eyes. Both of us are pulling our own weight she just isn't going to be able to match my earning power ever, in her current line of work.

We have a plan in place that accounts for required expenses, savings, retirement, investments, college for our children and earnings. We then have an expected amount that is left over. We determine together what to do with that. Early in our marriage that amount was much less than it is today. We both did without. I did not go on as many out of state hunts. She drove an older car. Neither side always gets what they want, but we each get something. I spend some on out of state tags and the occasional high dollar hunt. She is content just hunting in Wyo, I am not. She spends a lot on a car. She likes a new car every 3-4 years, I am content driving my 12 yr old truck for as long as the wheels stay on. She goes on more vacations, sometimes with her friends, than I do. I buy the occasional Austrian optic. But we didn't do any of these until we reached a point in our lives where disposable cash was available and we both agreed on it. Don't take this to mean that we never get pissy with the other about spending. We do, but its rare. We respect each other enough to make our views known, discuss them and make a decision we can both live with. Some times i walk away disappoint sometime she does but we always walk away in agreement. Will hit 15 years in a couple months and it seems to work for us.

 

[teej89]

Bingo! Is making a spreadsheet every time you want to do this trust?

That's not the point I was making with the spreadsheet. I was showing her full transparency what I have typically been spending each spring on points. As she's been in the dark on all of it and as everyone here knows it's awfully daunting to people who have no clue about the process.

If we go through it and deem it's a bit extravagant to keep living my single lifestyle with purchasing points I'd have no issue re-planning my points game.

 

[Deleted member 20812]

Bingo! Is making a spreadsheet every time you want to do this trust?

I don't even know if I could make a spreadsheet. We verbally negotiate, goes like this:

Me: Can I go ahead a buy my Idaho elk tag, they are selling quicker this year?
Her: Can you wait a week?
Me: Sure.

Me: I think we should buy a drahthaar from this kennel.
Her: How much?
Me: $1500.
Her: Okay. Make sure we get a black one.

Me: I think we should get rid of our pickup.
Her: How come?
Me: It had 300k miles on it.
Her: Okay.
Me: Can we fit a $250 monthly payment in the budget?
Her: Sure.

Her: We should go to Arizona for a week next year to see my folks at Christmas.
Me: Can we drive so I can hunt quail?
Her: Sure.
Me: Great. Let's plan on 10 days for the trip.

 

[teej89]

If you wanting to purchase PP or apply in other states is going to send you to the Doghouse then this marriage is not a good fit. You, as a couple, can either afford to do that or you can't. Splitting un-required expenses 50/50 did not work for my wife and I. It started more arguments than it fixed. Determining a % based off what each of us earns would not have worked either. Early on in our marriage she did not work. Currently, I earn roughly 30X more than her. Me getting to spend 30X more on extravagances than she does seemed rather unfair in my eyes. Both of us are pulling our own weight she just isn't going to be able to match my earning power ever, in her current line of work.

We have a plan in place that accounts for required expenses, savings, retirement, investments, college for our children and earnings. We then have an expected amount that is left over. We determine together what to do with that. Early in our marriage that amount was much less than it is today. We both did without. I did not go on as many out of state hunts. She drove an older car. Neither side always gets what they want, but we each get something. I spend some on out of state tags and the occasional high dollar hunt. She is content just hunting in Wyo, I am not. She spends a lot on a car. She likes a new car every 3-4 years, I am content driving my 12 yr old truck for as long as the wheels stay on. She goes on more vacations, sometimes with her friends, than I do. I buy the occasional Austrian optic. But we didn't do any of these until we reached a point in our lives where disposable cash was available and we both agreed on it. Don't take this to mean that we never get pissy with the other about spending. We do, but its rare. We respect each other enough to make our views known, discuss them and make a decision we can both live with. Some times i walk away disappoint sometime she does but we always walk away in agreement. Will hit 15 years in a couple months and it seems to work for us.

Great advice! And in no way would it put me in the "dog house" I was using this term loosely. We've been through a lot and we do very well at coming to agreements on our disagreements.

 

[teej89]

I don't even know if I could make a spreadsheet. We verbally negotiate, goes like this:

Me: Can I go ahead a buy my Idaho elk tag, they are selling quicker this year?
Her: Can you wait a week?
Me: Sure.

Me: I think we should buy a drahthaar from this kennel.
Her: How much?
Me: $1500.
Her: Okay. Make sure we get a black one.

Me: I think we should get rid of our pickup.
Her: How come?
Me: It had 300k miles on it.
Her: Okay.
Me: Can we fit a $250 monthly payment in the budget?
Her: Sure.

Her: We should go to Arizona for a week next year to see my folks at Christmas.
Me: Can we drive so I can hunt quail?
Her: Sure.
Me: Great. Let's plan on 10 days for the trip.

I see what you're saying, and now that I think about it... I think the spreadsheet wasn't to present to her, moreso me to get a grasp on what all I am spending in total. For instance I bought my UT license last year so I won't need to spend $65 to purchase a UT license this year to gain the points.

 

[jtm307]

You're overthinking this. Just say, "It's application time for my big game tags. It'll cost around X total." Then let her determine where the conversation goes from there. Listen more than you speak.

 

[teej89]

You're overthinking this. Just say, "It's application time for my big game tags. It'll cost around X total." Then let her determine where the conversation goes from there. Listen more than you speak.

haha I figured I was, I just very rarely purchase something for myself. So with this being the first time bringing it up I was trying to get advice from the experienced ones.

 

[Addicting]

I don't even know if I could make a spreadsheet. We verbally negotiate, goes like this:

Me: Can I go ahead a buy my Idaho elk tag, they are selling quicker this year?
Her: Can you wait a week?
Me: Sure.

Me: I think we should buy a drahthaar from this kennel.
Her: How much?
Me: $1500.
Her: Okay. Make sure we get a black one.

Me: I think we should get rid of our pickup.
Her: How come?
Me: It had 300k miles on it.
Her: Okay.
Me: Can we fit a $250 monthly payment in the budget?
Her: Sure.

Her: We should go to Arizona for a week next year to see my folks at Christmas.
Me: Can we drive so I can hunt quail?
Her: Sure.
Me: Great. Let's plan on 10 days for the trip.

My conversations are very similar with the exception that there are way more No’s than Yes. But we each give each other leeway on individual trips. The trust in each other to not go crazy and enjoy the time and stay within each other’s spending comfort zone. We agreed not to scrutinize micro purchases or trip totals.

It works for us. Everything else financially is done jointly no matter who makes what.

 

[Deleted member 20812]

My conversations are very similar with the exception that there are way more No’s than Yes. But we each give each other leeway on individual trips. The trust in each other to not go crazy and enjoy the time and stay within each other’s spending comfort zone. We agreed not to scrutinize micro purchases or trip totals.

It works for us. Everything else financially is done jointly no matter who makes what.

I set myself up for success by not asking for a lot. That said, I know my fuel expenditures during bird season have to raise some eyebrows, but don't garner any complaints.

 

[rjthehunter]

I see now that I should have my hunting account separate from savings/checking. Should save up enough to not raise any questions come time for me to get married. No hunny, the money is spoken for, I can't touch it...

In all seriousness, my girlfriend and I share the same drive for the outdoors, I have a stronger drive, but she wants to be there and hunt also. That being said, I don't see any issues arising other than applying for sheep tags in the future. Fronting a good chunk of change every year for tags could make her curious. In all reality if I explained it to her and she realized that herself and hunting are 2 of the most important things to me. She'd understand. Apart from tags you draw, you're getting most of the money back. Explain yourself to her nicely and tell her you want to persue your dreams but it requires money going out between January and May for tags.

 

[Ben Long]

Explain to her how you will bring back grass-fed, organic meat....that stuff aint cheap in the store either....

Yeah... but the trouble with that line for me is that too often I come home empty handed.

 

[Nemont]

.

Let's hear how the rest of you have managed this.

I tell her that I am applying a tag, she smiles and asks what days I might be gone, so she can plan a trip with her hen group. Cost has never been discussed.

 

[Jape]

Good on you for having some foresight and trying to approach this the best way. As with most things in life, I think balance is key and balance is not the same thing as "equal". If it's important to me and within our budget, my wife is fully supportive. Likewise, if she wants to go to Hawaii because that is really important to her and that means I don't get to hunt the second half of October this year then I am supportive of her (and it also means I don't get to complain during that time either ).

 

[Addicting]

I set myself up for success by not asking for a lot. That said, I know my fuel expenditures during bird season have to raise some eyebrows, but don't garner any complaints.

Unfortunately, I have a ton of time on my hands and expensive hobbies. Fortunately, She keeps me reigned in. One of the reasons I love her.

@teej89 you mentioned your single life expenditures. That ends the second you say I do. So knowing what it was is a mute point. For the sake of financial disagreements in the future it is best to forget all about it, as they have no bearing or merit in married discussions. It’s a hard transition but one worth every penny.

 

[LuketheDog]

Hunting funds?

All right guys I have a question but need to explain the situation. I work 4 tens for my regular job, so I work a second job on my day off. I have been using this extra money for hunting related stuff like tags, gear ect. The problem is now my wife wants me to start using this "extra" money...

www.hunttalk.com

Don't take this approach...and congrats on getting hitched!

 

[teej89]

Don't take this approach...and congrats on getting hitched!

Haha! Noted ✔

Thanks!