Kraven
New member
> MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
> A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
>
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
> serving the States of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina,
>Tennessee,
> Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
>
> Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
> renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of
>the
> new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
> keep that in mind.
>
> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
> local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
> side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
>delivering
> toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
>differences
> between us.
>
> Differences such as:
>
> 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
> "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
>an
> RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
> doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> empty spit can handy.
>
> 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
>instead
> of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
>one
> time, and now their heads now overlook Bubba's fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when
>Bubba
> Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
>Elliott
> and Petty."
>
> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Ha!" And you also are likely
> to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
> Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
> and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
> area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
>the
> Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
>patrol
> cars crashing into each other.
>
> And Finally,
>
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
>the
> wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your
> presents under the tree.
>
> Sincerely Yours,
> Santa Claus
> A HAPPY NEW YEAR!
>
> I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
> serving the States of Georgia, Florida, North and South Carolina,
>Tennessee,
> Mississippi, Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas on Christmas Eve.
>
> Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was
> renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of
>the
> new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so
> keep that in mind.
>
> However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
> local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His
> side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of
>delivering
> toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few
>differences
> between us.
>
> Differences such as:
>
> 1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba
> Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:
> "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
>
> 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave
>an
> RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba
> doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an
> empty spit can handy.
>
> 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs
>instead
> of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer
>one
> time, and now their heads now overlook Bubba's fireplace.
>
> 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen," when
>Bubba
> Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Andretti, on
>Elliott
> and Petty."
>
> 5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Ha!" And you also are likely
> to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
>
> 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a
> Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off."
>
> 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
> and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing
> area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and
>the
> Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state
>patrol
> cars crashing into each other.
>
> And Finally,
>
> 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,
>the
> wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put your
> presents under the tree.
>
> Sincerely Yours,
> Santa Claus
