My favorite lawyer joke . . . .

[VikingsGuy]

I promised @bushman13 in a different thread that I would post my favorite lawyer joke. Here goes:

A man is flying in a hot air balloon, the wind shifts and pushes him far off course and away from his ground chase team. At this point he realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man working in his backyard. He lowers the balloon toward the man and shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? Can you tell me where I am right now?”

The man below says, “I’m happy to help. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above my backyard. ”

After a brief pause, the balloonist declares: “You must be a lawyer.”

“I am” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me I is technically correct but completely useless to me.”

The man below responds, “Indeed. And you … You must be a CEO.”

“Why, yes, I am,” replies the balloonist, “how in the world did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going, and now you are blaming your lawyer for all your problems.”

 

[LuketheDog]

Ha, I thought you were going to hit us with the standard "What do you have if you have 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?"

 

[Jape]

 

[noharleyyet]

...a good start

Ha, I thought you were going to hit us with the standard "What do you have if you have 1,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?"

 

[noharleyyet]

Off color alert...

Two lawyers strolling see a beautiful woman, one says, "Man I'd like to scr#w her." The other lawyer replies. "Out of what?"

 

[AvidIndoorsman]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

 

[fachries]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

+1

 

[Tiredofthebickering]

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

What do you call someone with the lowest GPA of their medical school graduating class?

Doctor

Not a lawyer joke, but one of my favorites anyway lol. And a healthy reminder to always get a second opinion, because not everyone was valedictorian.

 

[bushman13]

I have a Priest and Rabbi joke with the same punchline

Off color alert...

Two lawyers strolling see a beautiful woman, one says, "Man I'd like to scr#w her." The other lawyer replies. "Out of what?"

 

[noharleyyet]

I have a Priest and Rabbi joke with the same punchline

Ah man, you teed one up but I ain't swingin'....

 

[VikingsGuy]

Hey guys - let's keep race/gender/religion out of this

 

[kansasdad]

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.

3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4. There are just some things even a lab rat won't do.

 

[noharleyyet]

I've thought of publishing a book of my hate mail, but I don't own the rights to the letters. -Alan Dershowitz

 

[DK27]

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there anyways?
A: Only 3, the rest are true stories

 

[Sytes]

"Of course, people are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers instead of their conscience be their guides." - Will Rogers

 

[VAspeedgoat]

Two lawyers in a small town were having trouble making ends meet. They had a meeting and decide they could work together and end up in the poor house, or work against each other and get rich.

 

[elkantlers]

If you see a skunk hit on the road and a lawyer hit on the road what is the only difference? There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

 

[noharleyyet]

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him. The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your children, your parents, grandparents, and those of all the your friends.” The lawyer thought about it for a moment, then asked, “But what’s the catch?”

 

[VikingsGuy]

A Hunttalk appropriate spin:

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? Skeet