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Dear Dog and/or Cat


New member
Dec 20, 2000
Jackson, Wyoming
Dear Dog and/or Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions
with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry
about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They
can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for
years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats'
butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change
for you.

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:

1. They live here; you don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the

3. I like my pet better than I like most people.

4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son
and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never
drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or
smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant,
you can sell the results.


New member
Nov 28, 2001
LOL Bill, that was good...

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