I really have to say that this trip was life changing. With some of my mental and emotional issues from Iraq, I wasn't sure if I could do this. When Tony first brought the trip up to me in my mind I was coming up with every possible excuse to not be able to do it. I finally decided to do it and figured if I could do the bear hunt I could handle this. We have several months of a group text where we joked and made plans and got to know each other a bit. But, when I pulled into the Walmart in Laramie on the 22nd and saw their truck in the parking lot I kinda paniced and thought this shit just got real. So, the initial in person meeting went well and we wandered around walmart making fun of people and joking on each other, so this was cool. The next step was to meet the rancher. Anyone who knows me knows I kinda lack social skills, so walking up to a total stranger with my hand out to shake it and introduce myself was brutal for me. We talked with him a bit and then got to meet the family. I kinda stayed in the back of the group and didn't talk much, feeling uncomfortable and out of place. We went and set up camp and I told the guys I wanted them to push me a bit physically. I explained my physical limitations, but still wanted to hunt and not be a burden, so give me a bit of a kick in the ass. Well, they both did that lol Derek dragged my uphill onto a ridge, and Tony marched me all over the side of a mountain. They pushed me, and I pushed myself through pain and breathing issues, but I did it. I didn't always keep up, but didn't stop. Quitting smoking in July still wasn't time to get my lungs breathing properly at altitude in September. Yes, I hurt bad, even to the point of being in tears in my sleeping bag at night, but I didn't let it stop me. I've spent 14 years telling myself what I couldn't do without ever pushing myself to see what I could do. I'm kinda proud of myself. The pain actually felt good in a way, like when you first start lifting weights and hurt, but you know you've accomplished something. We sat around the table in the evenings and talked and farted and laughed and I got teared up a few times. I allowed myself to open up a little more than normal and the vulnerability was refreshing to be accepted and not mocked. Tony said repeatedly that I should come with an instruction manual. The last morning we were there we went back down to the house and visited with Carson's mom and grandmom. His mother cornered me the night before and flat out told me I didn't talk enough and should participate in conversations. So, we all sat around the table looking through old picture books and listening to stories of the homestead days and history of the property and family and hard times. I pushed myself to participate, even hugging the grandmother when we left. So, all in all, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and what limits I've inadvertently set for myself throughout the whole trip, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I feel that I'm a better person now because of it. Tony and Derek never let me quit or feel stupid or unwanted. We all worked well together, even butchering elk and vacuum sealing and getting it into the freezer in less than 3 hours each. I'll never be able to thank them, or the biologist, and the rancher and his family enough for the trip and all that went with it. It was truly life changing.
