AITA (Am i the @$$hole)?

[Southern Elk]

 

[Pucky Freak]

Bless you and your family. It’s hard to be transparent about very personal things, but I hope it brings your family closer together.

 

[tzone]

I’m posting this more to vent so thanks for allowing me the catharsis. A brief backstory is that I’m a medical professional who gave up my twenties living in major cities to achieve my degree and met my wife in the city during my last year of training. My goal was always to move to the mountain west, and we have been there for over a decade. She is very close to her mother and they are both immigrants so our smaller community lacks the immigrant population that she is very fond of and feels more at home at. I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move.

Eleven years have passed and we now an elementary school daughter. I have made good on my word to my wife that literally any time that she or her mom wants to fly to visit each other, I will pay the ticket no questions asked. In addition, I paid cash for half her mom’s house so she could retire to the south without a mortgage and she owes me nothing in the meantime, only that I get half the house value after she passes which isn’t exactly a wise investment overall. Her mother was able to retire but hadn’t visited nearly as much as I’d hoped (about twice a year). My wife and daughter fly to her about 3-4 times a year so in total they see each other probably about 40-60 days a year, and could do more if her mother came to us more since we are limited by our daughters school year.

In addition, I paid for my wife’s education and she is now a stay at home mom who is able to volunteer at our daughters school and be with her as much as she wishes.

My current job is fantastic and jobs in the new location would be a 10-15% pay cut and/ or a 25-50% reduction in vacation not to mention having to start over with building my reputation, etc. The upside is my wife would be very supportive with me flying back to the west and also Alaska to hunt for 3-4 weeks per year albeit I would be a non-resident.

I love my wife dearly and fear that eventually this will boil down to an ultimatum and if we did split, I would defer and let her take our daughter to the new state which would probably end up making me move there anyways to see her. This is of course a horrible, worst case scenario and my wife and I love each other very much and overall are doing very well. It’s just this one pretty major sticking point. Anyways, I realize this kind of post to a hunting forum is akin to financial advice and pretty inappropriate. Mostly I just wanted to vent and air it out so thanks for the venue to do so.

I have left a job I love to move when my wife (now ex-wife) got a promotion. She was going to do it whether I went or not. I didn't want to be that far from my kids, so I went along with it. It lasted for a year before things went south. We were married one more year after that.

I did however get another awesome job that I love. take all of November off and get more vacation than I can use...I also happened to find a awesome wife that enjoys many of the things I do. We'll be here in communist MN for a few more years than I'd be if I wasn't remarried....but that's ok. We have a plan.

But in all fairness, she did move when you wanted to because you didn't like the area. Maybe your turn? Money isn't everything. Hell, it's not even close. Family is however, everything.

 

[tzone]

He took to it like a duck to water, with the exception of eating moose nose, he still wont do that

I can't say that I blame him. And I LOVE moose.

 

[DouglasR]

I’m glad everything worked out but can we still go boat shopping?

 

[BuglinDrew]

 

[AvidIndoorsman]

Figured I’d add a follow-up and thank everyone for chiming in. After a couple of Florida job offers and much deliberation, my wife and I decided to remain in Montana. I’m truly blessed to be married to her and sometimes hearing things from a third party like you guys helps drive things home better and makes a man appreciate what he has. Of course I’m happy to remain in Montana, but I’m much more thankful to be blessed with a supportive wife and daughter.

Montana to Florida, bro, burying the lead I was 2 pages into the thread thinking it was someplace only mostly shitty like Utah.



Flip side, CO to MA was one of the best decisions I've made so

 

[ThunderNocked]

Figured I’d add a follow-up and thank everyone for chiming in. After a couple of Florida job offers and much deliberation, my wife and I decided to remain in Montana. I’m truly blessed to be married to her and sometimes hearing things from a third party like you guys helps drive things home better and makes a man appreciate what he has. Of course I’m happy to remain in Montana, but I’m much more thankful to be blessed with a supportive wife and daughter.

I'm a little late to the party - but I'm glad to hear you have worked everything out for now! I know these are conversations we have - being in Alaska and loving it up here but it is hard as all of our family is south - I lost a sister and now my parents, with a failing father, are down 'south' and we have discussions about when and how do we leave when we don't want to. We don't even agree on where to move hypothetically so hopefully we don't have to make that decision soon.
We have our own struggles - and I'm working a job that after 7 years I still only get 2 weeks of Paid Time Off - though I'm starting to dip into my 'Sick Leave' that I never take as I've been sick once in the past 5 years. Going to dip into that pool I think. My wife doesn't like how I'm trying to save 5 of my 10 days every year for hunting when we have 5 kids and she wants to spend more time doing things and experiencing Alaska.

Keep working it out - its worth it. Glad your able to stay in Montana and glad your family is stronger because of this situation.

 

[elkhnter]

I’m also late to the party and glad things are on the mend.
Been divorced for 26 years and I can still say that with all I’ve been through in my life, the hardest thing ever was dropping my kids back off every other weekend.

 

[David658]

Figured I’d add a follow-up and thank everyone for chiming in. After a couple of Florida job offers and much deliberation, my wife and I decided to remain in Montana. I’m truly blessed to be married to her and sometimes hearing things from a third party like you guys helps drive things home better and makes a man appreciate what he has. Of course I’m happy to remain in Montana, but I’m much more thankful to be blessed with a supportive wife and daughter.

Happy for you.

 

[Marshian]

Well, my wife could only handle Montana for 6 months after the original post. So now I’m back in the same boat except with an iron clad ultimatum. Florida or her. So looks like I’m moving to Florida. Very mixed feelings for me. I’m hating winter more each year so that’s plus. Better fishing too. Sure will miss the mountains, resident hunting and my job tho. But I will have 4 weeks to travel and hunt wherever I want every year no questions asked. Hoping the future is a bright one...

 

[Pucky Freak]

Hard decision. I hope the transition goes well.

 

[HONEYBADGER]

I’m posting this more to vent so thanks for allowing me the catharsis. A brief backstory is that I’m a medical professional who gave up my twenties living in major cities to achieve my degree and met my wife in the city during my last year of training. My goal was always to move to the mountain west, and we have been there for over a decade. She is very close to her mother and they are both immigrants so our smaller community lacks the immigrant population that she is very fond of and feels more at home at. I told her when we met that our current state wouldn’t have to be permanent if she grew to to dislike it which she has, then we could move.

Eleven years have passed and we now an elementary school daughter. I have made good on my word to my wife that literally any time that she or her mom wants to fly to visit each other, I will pay the ticket no questions asked. In addition, I paid cash for half her mom’s house so she could retire to the south without a mortgage and she owes me nothing in the meantime, only that I get half the house value after she passes which isn’t exactly a wise investment overall. Her mother was able to retire but hadn’t visited nearly as much as I’d hoped (about twice a year). My wife and daughter fly to her about 3-4 times a year so in total they see each other probably about 40-60 days a year, and could do more if her mother came to us more since we are limited by our daughters school year.

In addition, I paid for my wife’s education and she is now a stay at home mom who is able to volunteer at our daughters school and be with her as much as she wishes.

My current job is fantastic and jobs in the new location would be a 10-15% pay cut and/ or a 25-50% reduction in vacation not to mention having to start over with building my reputation, etc. The upside is my wife would be very supportive with me flying back to the west and also Alaska to hunt for 3-4 weeks per year albeit I would be a non-resident.

I love my wife dearly and fear that eventually this will boil down to an ultimatum and if we did split, I would defer and let her take our daughter to the new state which would probably end up making me move there anyways to see her. This is of course a horrible, worst case scenario and my wife and I love each other very much and overall are doing very well. It’s just this one pretty major sticking point. Anyways, I realize this kind of post to a hunting forum is akin to financial advice and pretty inappropriate. Mostly I just wanted to vent and air it out so thanks for the venue to do so.

There is a thing about ultimatums, if you abide, there is never only one ultimatum.

 

[TN2shot07]

Ultimatums have no place in a marriage and certainly not in life altering decisions. You do what you need to for your family but sustained success and happiness will come with compromise and sacrifice on both sides.

 

[Nick87]

Well, my wife could only handle Montana for 6 months after the original post. So now I’m back in the same boat except with an iron clad ultimatum. Florida or her. So looks like I’m moving to Florida. Very mixed feelings for me. I’m hating winter more each year so that’s plus. Better fishing too. Sure will miss the mountains, resident hunting and my job tho. But I will have 4 weeks to travel and hunt wherever I want every year no questions asked. Hoping the future is a bright one...

Pussy.....jk! Kinda not really. Gotta do whatever is best for your family. Like said above ultimatum has no business in a marriage. Ymmv

 

[Treeshark]

I paid cash for half her mom’s house so she could retire to the south without a mortgage

Didn’t have to read any farther than this to know how this one is going to go down.

This is like watching a car crash in slow motion. Good luck, be smart.

 

[Blacktailbc]

Your wife sounds pretty spoiled.

 

[Wallydeuce]

Protect your assets. I'm sorry, I truly am. Ultimatums are about power. Four weeks no questions asked will drop, and soon.
Again, I'm sorry.

 

[DouglasR]

 

[Nameless Range]

Best of luck on the move.

I can imagine all sorts of scenarios where something like an ultimatum would be nothing more than an honest assessment of one’s threshold in a relationship, and an open statement of concern for the future.

I guess what I am saying is a marriage is a complicated thing and we are privy to only the little bit of it that you have shared here. Don’t let the comments get you down. You do what you have to do for your family