I’m not sure how many of the hunttalkers here have struggled with ADHD, or have someone in their life who has. I was on the fence about posting, but I’ll share my experience here, in hopes that it might help anyone who is struggling with it. It was tough, and it’s just as tough to share it. So grab a snack and take a seat- this one got away from me.
TL;DR- decades of BS solved in three months.
To start, I guess I’ll define it by the biochemical root- you don’t have enough dopamine. Period. On average, it sits at about 20% of “normal”. This wouldn’t matter, except dopamine is the brain’s “motivation and reward” neurotransmitter. Your brain craves it, and needs it to sit at a certain level to function “normally”.
And that’s where the symptoms show up- either you don’t have enough dopamine to get yourself to do anything, or you’re constantly seeking ways to boost it. This manifests itself as a whole host of things: executive dysfunction (looks like laziness to the observer), impulsivity, forgetfulness, time blindness, insomnia, emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, avoidant productivity, and addictive personality traits (including phone addiction).
Some aren’t as bad- avoidant productivity can be manipulated to get you to clean the house (but still leads to stress from the things you’re avoiding). Addictive traits are objectively the worst- alcohol is one of the most common ways of self regulation, since it temporarily boosts dopamine, and can quickly get out of hand. Same with gambling, other drugs, etc. Phone addiction is far more nuanced, and possibly more insidious. And the rest? They have long-term consequences that lead to what I’d call secondary symptoms.
Executive dysfunction- this might be the biggest one. You want to go to the gym, schedule that appointment, remember your wife’s Birthday, use the produce you bought on the day you had motivation, get that project done at work, get off the couch, pack for the hunting trip, etc. Anything you wanted or planned on doing, but either forgot, or didn’t have the bandwidth to do until it was too late- those inactions add up over time, with real consequences. Anxiety, damaged friendships and relationships, poor performance at work, etc. It looks like laziness, or even depression, from the outside, but differs in one very important way- the desire to do the things is there, and you get stressed that you physically can’t make yourself do them. I’ve been lazy from time to time, and that’s wonderfully relaxing. This is entirely different.
Turns out, the average person doesn’t know that much about it. They don’t really care. And if you get good grades in school, everyone will just let you cope with it on your own. If you struggle, then it’s a personal flaw- laziness, stupidity, uncaring, unreliable. And they’ll maybe try to share tips/tricks/hacks that simply don’t work for your brain. And if you have any of the secondary symptoms that are medically recognized, they’ll be quick to look at those first and ignore the root cause. It feels like the necessary support doesn’t exist, until you really start looking for it.
So that’s what it is. My experience? Could never focus on anything but hunting or fishing, but did well enough academically to not get help. In college, I found out I could get up and out and conquer the world- for a beer. Homework? Beer. Vacuum? Beer. Dishes? Beer. Shower? Beer. Fishing? Beer. Hang out with friends? Tequila. And then it escalated. I drank my way up to a 4.0 for a couple semesters, ending with a 3.6. I say that I retired from drinking after that, as there were several people who called me a professional.
But then I graduated and went off into the real world, trying to start a career in 2012, and the symptoms were still there. Couldn’t clean the apartment, couldn’t remember important dates for myself or my girlfriend, couldn’t get the energy to get off the couch and leave for the weekend, fell behind at work and career progress, and constantly stressed and panicked about all of it. A short vacation would temporarily help, but not always. Hunting and fishing eventually turned into just another way to get a hit of dopamine, with entirely too much pressure on myself to be successful- which is a bastardization of them both.
Fast forward several years. Eventually it got the better of me- was covering 4 positions at work, sometimes 70 hour weeks, and I still fell behind, and couldn’t get a promotion. Anxiety took over, and I burned out and fell apart. We parted ways.
A year later, the new job is much easier, but I can see it all happening again. So I decided to finally get help. Three months later, I made a call and got an appointment. They decided to treat the anxiety with an antidepressant, which was not properly explained to me at the time. This did not go well. Not only did it not improve the symptoms, it changed my personality into something resembling a wax statue of Ben Stein, and that’s the best thing that I can say about it. I stopped taking them, and eventually quit the job and moved back to Montana to get married. I said “only at gunpoint” in response to trying medication again.
One year later- Change of careers, newly married, new puppy. Symptoms still there. Motivation still absent. Do everything in my power to improve. Try every trick and hack out there to improve. Nothing sticks. The cracks starting to form in everything, and I’m out of options. Finally have a life I’m unwilling to lose, so here’s my metaphorical “gunpoint”.
I informed my boss of my intentions in case it went sideways, went to the new doctor, and within 5 minutes they said “Oh yeah, you need this. Badly.” Prescribed a stimulant that works well for many people with ADHD. That first day? I could have conquered the world. Every chore from the past 3 months? Done in 4 hours. Wife even told me to slow down. Then I finished up several projects that had been sitting in the garage for up to a year. was out of things to do, so I planned to go fishing the next day. It was incredible.
I slept a grand total of 20 hours over the next 7 days, 8 of them after I went kayak fishing. I stopped taking the stimulant, but the insomnia held on. I averaged 4 hours a night after that. It was bad. I couldn’t function. Hallucinated a bit during the worst of it, and worse. My motivation and mental health were shot. A month into the process, and I was about to get fired from my new career (thank God I earned my boss). Marriage was strained. And looking back- phone addiction was rampant, another dopamine-seeking behavior. After the first week, the doctor switched me to a non-stimulant medication, and it didn’t seem to help.
Turns out, this non-stimulant has a long-term activity that must be built up, rather than the “in and out” stimulants with a supposed 12 hour cycle. Start on one low dose, then ramp up to full dosage over a month, and finally the effects fully kick in after 6-10 weeks. It was closer to 10 for me. I noticed small differences, not week to week but every two weeks or so, until it all just kind of resolved one day.
Executive dysfunction was gone. That was the main goal. Chores done, job projects complete ahead of deadline, etc. The stress and anxiety from that went away. Was able to finally put down the phone, delete any time-wasting app, and reclaim my life from those. Fishing was fun again. Took the dogs on longer walks than ever.
I feel like I’m finally the person I’ve always tried to be. The endless to-do list has been whittled down to a “want to do” rather than a “need to do” list. Getting up and into work early. Clean house. Better relationships with the important people in my life. The endless thoughts and songs pinballing in my head finally got muted. I can finally focus on the important things in life, rather than having to force myself to do it.
So if you have ADHD, and you’re struggling with it, for the love of God stop putting it off. Ask someone to help you schedule an appointment. And stick with it. No, getting help doesn’t make you weak. No, you’re not too old. And no, it’s not too late. It’s never too late to get better.
Hope this textual mass of hot air can help someone out there- whether it’s getting help yourself or simply understanding someone in your life just a little bit better.
Here’s a photo from a recent fishing trip that I didn’t feel guilty about taking or stressed about catching anything. It went alright.
TL;DR- decades of BS solved in three months.
To start, I guess I’ll define it by the biochemical root- you don’t have enough dopamine. Period. On average, it sits at about 20% of “normal”. This wouldn’t matter, except dopamine is the brain’s “motivation and reward” neurotransmitter. Your brain craves it, and needs it to sit at a certain level to function “normally”.
And that’s where the symptoms show up- either you don’t have enough dopamine to get yourself to do anything, or you’re constantly seeking ways to boost it. This manifests itself as a whole host of things: executive dysfunction (looks like laziness to the observer), impulsivity, forgetfulness, time blindness, insomnia, emotional dysregulation, rejection sensitivity, avoidant productivity, and addictive personality traits (including phone addiction).
Some aren’t as bad- avoidant productivity can be manipulated to get you to clean the house (but still leads to stress from the things you’re avoiding). Addictive traits are objectively the worst- alcohol is one of the most common ways of self regulation, since it temporarily boosts dopamine, and can quickly get out of hand. Same with gambling, other drugs, etc. Phone addiction is far more nuanced, and possibly more insidious. And the rest? They have long-term consequences that lead to what I’d call secondary symptoms.
Executive dysfunction- this might be the biggest one. You want to go to the gym, schedule that appointment, remember your wife’s Birthday, use the produce you bought on the day you had motivation, get that project done at work, get off the couch, pack for the hunting trip, etc. Anything you wanted or planned on doing, but either forgot, or didn’t have the bandwidth to do until it was too late- those inactions add up over time, with real consequences. Anxiety, damaged friendships and relationships, poor performance at work, etc. It looks like laziness, or even depression, from the outside, but differs in one very important way- the desire to do the things is there, and you get stressed that you physically can’t make yourself do them. I’ve been lazy from time to time, and that’s wonderfully relaxing. This is entirely different.
Turns out, the average person doesn’t know that much about it. They don’t really care. And if you get good grades in school, everyone will just let you cope with it on your own. If you struggle, then it’s a personal flaw- laziness, stupidity, uncaring, unreliable. And they’ll maybe try to share tips/tricks/hacks that simply don’t work for your brain. And if you have any of the secondary symptoms that are medically recognized, they’ll be quick to look at those first and ignore the root cause. It feels like the necessary support doesn’t exist, until you really start looking for it.
So that’s what it is. My experience? Could never focus on anything but hunting or fishing, but did well enough academically to not get help. In college, I found out I could get up and out and conquer the world- for a beer. Homework? Beer. Vacuum? Beer. Dishes? Beer. Shower? Beer. Fishing? Beer. Hang out with friends? Tequila. And then it escalated. I drank my way up to a 4.0 for a couple semesters, ending with a 3.6. I say that I retired from drinking after that, as there were several people who called me a professional.
But then I graduated and went off into the real world, trying to start a career in 2012, and the symptoms were still there. Couldn’t clean the apartment, couldn’t remember important dates for myself or my girlfriend, couldn’t get the energy to get off the couch and leave for the weekend, fell behind at work and career progress, and constantly stressed and panicked about all of it. A short vacation would temporarily help, but not always. Hunting and fishing eventually turned into just another way to get a hit of dopamine, with entirely too much pressure on myself to be successful- which is a bastardization of them both.
Fast forward several years. Eventually it got the better of me- was covering 4 positions at work, sometimes 70 hour weeks, and I still fell behind, and couldn’t get a promotion. Anxiety took over, and I burned out and fell apart. We parted ways.
A year later, the new job is much easier, but I can see it all happening again. So I decided to finally get help. Three months later, I made a call and got an appointment. They decided to treat the anxiety with an antidepressant, which was not properly explained to me at the time. This did not go well. Not only did it not improve the symptoms, it changed my personality into something resembling a wax statue of Ben Stein, and that’s the best thing that I can say about it. I stopped taking them, and eventually quit the job and moved back to Montana to get married. I said “only at gunpoint” in response to trying medication again.
One year later- Change of careers, newly married, new puppy. Symptoms still there. Motivation still absent. Do everything in my power to improve. Try every trick and hack out there to improve. Nothing sticks. The cracks starting to form in everything, and I’m out of options. Finally have a life I’m unwilling to lose, so here’s my metaphorical “gunpoint”.
I informed my boss of my intentions in case it went sideways, went to the new doctor, and within 5 minutes they said “Oh yeah, you need this. Badly.” Prescribed a stimulant that works well for many people with ADHD. That first day? I could have conquered the world. Every chore from the past 3 months? Done in 4 hours. Wife even told me to slow down. Then I finished up several projects that had been sitting in the garage for up to a year. was out of things to do, so I planned to go fishing the next day. It was incredible.
I slept a grand total of 20 hours over the next 7 days, 8 of them after I went kayak fishing. I stopped taking the stimulant, but the insomnia held on. I averaged 4 hours a night after that. It was bad. I couldn’t function. Hallucinated a bit during the worst of it, and worse. My motivation and mental health were shot. A month into the process, and I was about to get fired from my new career (thank God I earned my boss). Marriage was strained. And looking back- phone addiction was rampant, another dopamine-seeking behavior. After the first week, the doctor switched me to a non-stimulant medication, and it didn’t seem to help.
Turns out, this non-stimulant has a long-term activity that must be built up, rather than the “in and out” stimulants with a supposed 12 hour cycle. Start on one low dose, then ramp up to full dosage over a month, and finally the effects fully kick in after 6-10 weeks. It was closer to 10 for me. I noticed small differences, not week to week but every two weeks or so, until it all just kind of resolved one day.
Executive dysfunction was gone. That was the main goal. Chores done, job projects complete ahead of deadline, etc. The stress and anxiety from that went away. Was able to finally put down the phone, delete any time-wasting app, and reclaim my life from those. Fishing was fun again. Took the dogs on longer walks than ever.
I feel like I’m finally the person I’ve always tried to be. The endless to-do list has been whittled down to a “want to do” rather than a “need to do” list. Getting up and into work early. Clean house. Better relationships with the important people in my life. The endless thoughts and songs pinballing in my head finally got muted. I can finally focus on the important things in life, rather than having to force myself to do it.
So if you have ADHD, and you’re struggling with it, for the love of God stop putting it off. Ask someone to help you schedule an appointment. And stick with it. No, getting help doesn’t make you weak. No, you’re not too old. And no, it’s not too late. It’s never too late to get better.
Hope this textual mass of hot air can help someone out there- whether it’s getting help yourself or simply understanding someone in your life just a little bit better.
Here’s a photo from a recent fishing trip that I didn’t feel guilty about taking or stressed about catching anything. It went alright.
