RIP Chuck Norris - Let's honor him with your favor Chuck Norris jokes!

[mxracer317]

Chuck Norris didn’t die… Earth just couldn’t handle him anymore, so he moved on to tougher planets.

Heaven just upgraded its security system. RIP good sir.

 

[Irrelevant]

• Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris cannot turn left, because he is always right.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris doesn't tip the waiter. The waiter tips him.
• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
• If rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, and paper beats rock, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
• Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris left home, he told his father: "You're the man of the house now."
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris doesn't do a push up. He pushes the world down.
• Chuck Norris has to sleep with the lights on because the dark is afraid of him.
• When the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris goes swimming, sharks get out of the ocean.
• Clouds don't rain. They sweat when they see Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
• When Chuck Norris cooks, he makes the onion cry.
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris
• Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be in the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
• Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
• Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.
• When Chuck Norris makes a mistake, the mistake apologizes.
• Fire doesn't burn Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris burns fire.
• Chuck Norris doesn't need a keyboard. He tells the computer to write something and it does.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
• Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burnt. That would be a foolish thing for the sun to do.
• There is no chin underneath Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
• The sun rises and sets according to Chuck Norris’s sleep schedule.
• Chuck Norris got pulled over by police once. He let the cop go with a warning.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have to mow his lawn. The grass is afraid to grow.
• The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake.
• When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror there’s no reflection, because there’s only one Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris had a stunt double. He was used for crying scenes.
• Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone.
• They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives to tell about it.
• Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
• Chuck Norris caught COVID-19. Now the virus has to quarantine.
• How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
• Legends live forever. Chuck Norris lives longer.

 

[MTGamecock]

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he discovered he had already missed three calls from Chuck Norris.

 

[Dave N]

• Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
• Chuck Norris cannot turn left, because he is always right.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• Chuck Norris doesn't tip the waiter. The waiter tips him.
• Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
• Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven or microwave, because revenge is a dish best served cold.
• If rock beats scissors, scissors beats paper, and paper beats rock, what beats all 3 at the same time? Chuck Norris.
• Time waits for no man, unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris left home, he told his father: "You're the man of the house now."
• Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
• Chuck Norris doesn't do a push up. He pushes the world down.
• Chuck Norris has to sleep with the lights on because the dark is afraid of him.
• When the bogeyman goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris goes swimming, sharks get out of the ocean.
• Clouds don't rain. They sweat when they see Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t worry about high gas prices. His vehicles run on fear.
• When Chuck Norris cooks, he makes the onion cry.
• Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
• When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror, the mirror shatters. Because not even glass is dumb enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris
• Ghosts tell Chuck Norris stories at the campfire.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
• Outer space exists because it's afraid to be in the same planet with Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
• Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
• Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
• Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
• If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
• Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
• Chuck Norris can fold a fitted sheet.
• When Chuck Norris makes a mistake, the mistake apologizes.
• Fire doesn't burn Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris burns fire.
• Chuck Norris doesn't need a keyboard. He tells the computer to write something and it does.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life.
• Chuck Norris doesn't get sun burnt. That would be a foolish thing for the sun to do.
• There is no chin underneath Chuck Norris's beard. There is only another fist.
• The sun rises and sets according to Chuck Norris’s sleep schedule.
• Chuck Norris got pulled over by police once. He let the cop go with a warning.
• Chuck Norris doesn't have to mow his lawn. The grass is afraid to grow.
• The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he made a mistake.
• When Chuck Norris looks in the mirror there’s no reflection, because there’s only one Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris had a stunt double. He was used for crying scenes.
• Chuck Norris didn't dial the wrong number. You picked up the wrong phone.
• They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change the name because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives to tell about it.
• Chuck Norris built the hospital he was born in.
• Chuck Norris caught COVID-19. Now the virus has to quarantine.
• How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.
• Legends live forever. Chuck Norris lives longer.

 

[Kydeerslayer64]

You could have left a couple for us to tell

 

[kansasdad]

When Chuck Norris goes on safari, the rhinos take pictures of him!

 

[Irrelevant]

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[INMT]

Chuck Norris is the only person who can slam a revolving door.​

 

[INMT]

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.​

 

[Dave N]

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the shit out of it!

 

[Pucky Freak]

Chuck Norris has not yet ascended to eternal glory. He detoured to hell to give everyone a roundhouse kick to the face for good measure.

Chuck Norris’ family isn’t sure what to do with his body - he cannot be burned, buried, frozen, or contained to a casket.

Chuck Norris is an organ donor, but nothing was harvested upon his death - no one can handle a piece of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris may be dead, but he can still reanimate himself and kick your ass if he needs to.

 

[cedahm]

Not a joke per se, but a picture I took of a poster on the wall (directly above a urinal, of course) in the bathroom of a São Paulo bar about 15y ago. Dudes a worldwide legend:

 

[grizzly63]

apparently, he has fans