Ithaca 37
New member
Enjoy! These will make you think!
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . .not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
you see one tumble down the stairs.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject: Drinking
> >
> > "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then
> > I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
> > of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
> > of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
> > better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
> > selfish and worry about my liver."
> > ~ Jack Handy
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
> > morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
> > ~Frank Sinatra
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
> > fools."
> > ~ Ernest Hemingway
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> > ~ Henny Youngman
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
> > ~ Stephen Wright
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
> > fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
> > Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> > ~ Brian O'Rourke
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> > ~ Benjamin Franklin
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
> > beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
> > wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
> > ~ Dave Barry
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
> > ~ "Unknown"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
> > afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
> > buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A
> > herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the
> > herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
> > killed first. This natural
> > selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
> > health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
> > weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
> > fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
> > kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
> > cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
> > weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
> > That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
> >
<FONT COLOR="#800080" SIZE="1">[ 06-04-2003 17:14: Message edited by: Ithaca 37 ]</font>
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Get the last word in: Apologize.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies . . .not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when
you see one tumble down the stairs.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Subject: Drinking
> >
> > "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then
> > I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all
> > of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out
> > of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is
> > better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be
> > selfish and worry about my liver."
> > ~ Jack Handy
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
> > morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
> > ~Frank Sinatra
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his
> > fools."
> > ~ Ernest Hemingway
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
> > ~ Henny Youngman
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
> > ~ Stephen Wright
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we
> > fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
> > Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
> > ~ Brian O'Rourke
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
> > ~ Benjamin Franklin
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
> > beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
> > wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
> > ~ Dave Barry
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
> > ~ "Unknown"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> >
> > To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
> >
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One
> > afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his
> > buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A
> > herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the
> > herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are
> > killed first. This natural
> > selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and
> > health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
> > weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as
> > fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know,
> > kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain
> > cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the
> > weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
> > That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
> >
<FONT COLOR="#800080" SIZE="1">[ 06-04-2003 17:14: Message edited by: Ithaca 37 ]</font>
