Have a Daughter? Might want to look at this...

DBaker

New member
Joined
Sep 17, 2003
Messages
14
TEN RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you are sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them for you.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" can kill you. Allow me to elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

Rule Six: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. Frankly, I would much rather you did. However, if you absolutely must go out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Sistine Chapel. Instead of just standing there, you may demonstrate to me why I should tolerate your existence by such acts as say, changing the oil in my car.

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws wielded on unsuspecting teenage girls by males of your age group and general appearance are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been; but on issues relating to my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless and vengeful god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and what you will be doing, you have one very brief chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not dare to trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very, very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Da Nang. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. The moment you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands held high over your head. Speak the perimeter password, announce that you have brought my daughter safely home, then return to your car and leave immediately once she has exited the vehicle - Do not attempt to come inside or even follow her to the door. The camouflaged face in the window is mine, as is the ruby red beam of laser-light targeted directly at the center of your chest.

<FONT COLOR="#800080" SIZE="1">[ 01-11-2004 22:35: Message edited by: DBaker ]</font>
 

Elkhunter

New member
Joined
Dec 20, 2000
Messages
11,273
Location
Jackson, Wyoming
LMAO
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You must be a very popular man with your daughters friends.
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Welcome to Hunt Talk.
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JoseCuervo

New member
Joined
Feb 26, 2003
Messages
9,752
Location
South of the Border
That one is a classic....

Charles Barkley said that he would break the legs of the first boy who tried to date his daughter, and "word would get around...."
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Hunterman

New member
Joined
Apr 28, 2001
Messages
1,694
Location
Spanaway,Wa.
I have 3 daughters
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and use those rules like law
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Should have rule 11: Make mad with my daughter(s) and the next light you see will not be from the wholy spirit, but from the ambulance to take your sorry butt to the hospital
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..

Rules to live by
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Hunterman(Tony)
 

MarvB

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 5, 2001
Messages
6,660
Location
₵tral Oar-e-gun
With three of my own...I'm with Hunterman on this one! My 10 year old has most boys her age scared already by herself
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IHLA_Chairman

New member
Joined
Nov 20, 2001
Messages
33
Location
Johnstown, PA USA
I have had those rules printed for some time now. My daughter is going to be 12 on the 27th but I want her to know what her boyfriends will be in for when the time comes. I am quite sure all of my guns will get a thorough cleaning since that will be my favorite thing to be doing when a boy shows up at my door for a date with my daughter.
 

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