Happy Spouse, Happy Hunter

[Big Fin]

For those who get NRA's American Hunter, you probably read this interview with me and Steven Rinella. If not, you can read it at the link below. The editor pared it down to less than half of what Pat Durkin submitted, but you will probably get a few smiles from what did get printed.


https://www.americanhunter.org/articles/2016/6/20/how-to-remain-a-happily-married-hunter/

Pat had heard me giving marital advice on our podcast, then again on the Meateater podcast. So he asked around to see if any publications he writes for would have interest in such an article. Pat is a great guy, works hard, and does his research.

Mrs. Fin has read most of it and I am still allowed in the house, so that is a good thing, I guess.

How to Remain a Happily Married Hunter

Even though hunters are the marrying type, they often spar with their spouses each autumn about their time away from home.

And yes, hunters are “the marrying type.” When the research firm Responsive Management recently studied Southeastern hunters—roughly the 15 states from Texas to Virginia—it found 73 percent were married. In contrast, the most recent U.S. Census Bureau data show 50 percent of Southeastern adults were married. And although divorce and separation rates were roughly the same, researchers found hunters were less likely than non-hunters to be widowed (1 percent vs. 6 percent).

But if hunters are so big on marriage, why do their foyers often display “Gone Hunting” or “We Interrupt This Marriage to Bring You the Hunting Season” knickknacks? And why do they forever seek marital advice from each other, especially from well-traveled hunters?

Two such “marriage counselors” are TV and podcast hosts Steven Rinella, 42, of “MeatEater” TV and podcasts; and Randy Newberg, 51, of “Fresh Tracks,” “On Your Own Adventures, and “Hunt Talk Radio: Randy Newberg Unfiltered.”

Rinella—who also has written four award-winning books and scores of magazine articles—and his wife, Katie, married eight years ago. They have three children, ages 1, 3 and 5. He spends about 100 days away from home each year to produce 18 episodes. He also travels roughly nine more weeks for speaking engagements and other business commitments.

Newberg and his wife, Kim, married 27 years ago. He, too, hunts away from home 90 to 100 days each year for his shows. He also serves on the Rocky Mountain Elk Foundation’s board of directors, and regularly travels to state capitals and Washington, D.C., to testify on legislation affecting public access. Those commitments add about another month of annual travel.

When speaking with fans, Rinella and Newberg often are asked about marriage. “They raise their hand and ask how I get my wife to let me hunt so much,” says Newberg. “They must think I have something figured out, but I tell them the noose doesn’t loosen with time. I also know I married so far up life’s ladder that I couldn’t see the rungs from where I started. If I hadn’t met my wife, I’d be sitting in a bar where I grew up in Big Falls, Minn., and there’d be a stool with my name on it.”

Rinella is equally devoted and grateful. “I love hunting and fishing, and I love being married,” he says. “When I wake up, I tell myself that my main job today is to not get myself divorced. I’m dead serious. That’s my goal. I truly love, admire and respect my wife. I value her judgment. She’s our family’s leader. Her impulses are right. She’s less selfish than I am. So when I joke about being afraid of her, it’s more that I fear upsetting the strong, content home we’ve created for our kids.”

How, specifically, do Rinella and Newberg maintain happy marriages while being gone half the year? They offer these fun, smart, heartfelt tips:

“You must value peace more than justice,” says Newberg. “Don’t insist on proving you’re right. Winning an argument at all costs is financially and emotionally expensive, and you won’t get to hunt as much. Let them be right. They’re right half the time anyway.”

“It’s no good to seethe and think, ‘I’ll show her! Wait till she asks for something!'” says Rinella. “That’s when it escalates, and it’s like, ‘What are you going to do now, dude?’ No. It’s not worth it.”

“Set a strong precedent while dating,” Rinella says. “Lead the life you want to live 10 years into marriage. If you normally go hunting or fishing over Thanksgiving while you’re single, don’t quit going while you’re dating.”

Adds Newberg: “Make sure she knows who you are during the test drive. Do not surprise her after she’s bought the car.”

“Pick your battles, and respect her turf,” says Rinella. “On issues involving our kids, our finances, how we structure our house, and how we allocate our time for family, holidays and social life, that’s mainly her area. I have input, but I don’t fight about it.”

Newberg doubles down here: “The best deal I ever made was when we built our house in 2004. I told my wife she could take 15 percent of the house’s cost and add it to furnishings. Whatever the amount is, fine. In return, I don’t want to hear another thing about my hunting or fishing. Ever. She jumped on that like a rat on a Cheeto.”

“If you want to hunt a lot, don’t be handy around the house,” says Newberg. “If you own a chainsaw, a woodstove, a lawnmower and a weed-whacker, cross one week off your hunting schedule for each one of those devices. If you want to hunt a lot, sell your tools. How many guys do you know who built their own home who also hunt a lot? None. But before I leave on my first trip each fall, I make sure the snowblower is ready, with a full can of gas next to it, and the smoke alarms all have fresh batteries.”

“Be open with your schedule,” says Rinella. “Get a dry-erase wall calendar and put everything on it. If you might be gone eight or nine days, put down nine. It’s better to be apocalyptic. If it turns out you aren’t gone as long, that’s okay. But if you’re not coming home until Aug. 15 and you've told your wife it's Aug. 14, she'll hate you.”

“I used to tell my wife about the two tags I had for October,” says Newberg, “but I wouldn’t tell her about my back-to-back Iowa and Kansas deer hunts over Thanksgiving. That wasn’t a good idea. Now I put everything on that calendar.”

“Leave on a Monday, come back on a Friday,” says Rinella. “Do not leave on a Saturday morning and return on a Sunday night. That’s trouble. It looks like you’re ducking out. Leaving on a Monday after a weekend with lots of family time, that’s slick. And never come home late. I don’t care if you’ve been unsuccessful and tomorrow is clearly the best time to hunt.”

“Call home every day,” says Newberg. “That’s important to my wife, even though we usually talk only three or four minutes. A lot of times I hike or drive somewhere after dark to get reception. That means a lot to her.”

“We don’t do that,” says Rinella, “but I like making the call that says I’ll be home early.”

“Don’t expect a homecoming parade when you return,” says Rinella. “If you sneaked out before the kids got up Monday morning, don’t expect a Daddy’s-home, cancel-your-plans, special-dinner reception. No matter how late I get home, I don’t talk about my rough trip and my need to sleep in to recover. My nose is to the grindstone. I’m up with the kids, doing breakfast, and letting her sleep in.”

“I have a charge account with the florist,” adds Newberg. “I call him as I’m leaving town and tell him to make sure my flowers are there at 1 o’clock Monday afternoon.”

“If you want taxidermy around your house, stand firm right away or forget it,” says Newberg. “I folded that tent early in our marriage and she never forgot. She said it might be art in my family, but in hers it’s just dead animals. My mounts stay in the ‘Randy Room.’”

So, what’s the best way to remain a happily married hunter? Maybe it’s considering whether your hunting trips are exposing weaknesses and sore points in your home life.

 

[jryoung]

“If you want to hunt a lot, don’t be handy around the house,” says Newberg. “If you own a chainsaw, a woodstove, a lawnmower and a weed-whacker, cross one week off your hunting schedule for each one of those devices. If you want to hunt a lot, sell your tools. How many guys do you know who built their own home who also hunt a lot? None. But before I leave on my first trip each fall, I make sure the snowblower is ready, with a full can of gas next to it, and the smoke alarms all have fresh batteries.”

I had a notion to take a selfie a couple of weeks ago. It was 80 degrees, I was mowing the yard with a 24" brush mower, sweaty, dusty and wearing an OYOA shirt. This thought was in my head and I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.

 

[hank4elk]

Good stuff again Randy!
Not married,but had most of the same attitude with her(the SO) for 20 yrs.
I made the mistake of being a builder/furnituremaker/gardener/handiman....but I held fast on fall hunting.
Didn't get a rack or a hide inside til we got a cabin and then it was her decorating idea,lol.....and I was down at the lake fishing every morn...til her and the doggies hiked down and I hiked with them back for breakie.
She became a avid game eater and made a killer roast w/yorkshire pudding,roast wild turkey or pig,venison meatloaf & sheppards pie ,the grilling,smoking, was up to me.
...now everything is up to me...lol

Now she might come out to visit when she goes to the NM weavers guild event,if I'm back from deer & elk hunts she said...good memory still.
But I'd have to steam clean before I'm sure.
I think she just wants some elk & chiles to take home...lol.

 

[noharleyyet]

“You must value peace more than justice,”

...gospel. I have the tuition receipts to prove it.

 

[hank4elk]

...gospel. I have the tuition receipts to prove it.

lol NHY!!

 

[Big Fin]

...gospel. I have the tuition receipts to prove it.

Me too. I think I had to get a PhD in that area of study before it finally dawned on me.

Trust me young lads, pride is an expensive commodity. The more you need to display your pride, the more it will cost you. Being right is not very important. Odds are you are wrong half the time, and if you are under age 50, more than half the time. The odds of being right get a bit closer to 50% at age 50, starting somewhere around 10% at age 20 and moving closer to the mid-point as you get to senior citizen status. So, why argue when you are probably wrong anyhow, and even if by some remote chance you are right, you are still wrong in her mind. Not worth it boys, fold the hand and save your chips for the day you want to go hunting.

I'm not big on "Trust me" explanations. But on that one, TRUST ME!

 

[hank4elk]

A big "Yes Dear" on that note Randy.

 

[maxx]

It is all about expectations. Set them early and then there are no surprises. Women go into a relationship thinking they can change a man and a man goes into a relationship hoping she doesn't change him. Trust me you both change typically in good ways.

My big agreement with my wife came more around when we started having kids. I gave up most my other hobbies golfing, softball, baseball, flag football & Fishing to a point. I didn't give them up completely but they cut back. I try to be an over the top best husband father from the end of Jan to the beginning of September. I coach as much as possible, cook, clean, etc. This affords me a bunch of lee way.

I also focus hard on my career. The more successful I became the more $ I had to do what I wanted. I find the money can be a big portion of contest. You cant tell your wife you as a family cant go on a family vacation and then schedule your next elk hunt.

I don't hunt as much as everyone on here but I hunt more than most! I am only 39 so I guess I figured some of it out early enough. Married 13 years!

 

[Dinkshooter]

I met my wife in the spring of 2003 while I was jobless and homeless with no intention of getting a job.......................... as I had 4 sweet tags in my pocket for the fall.

She knew what she was getting into yet couldn't help fall for my charms............................

 

[JohnCushman]

My wife knew right from the beginning on our first date when I pulled into Olive Garden with all of my conservation group bumper stickers on my truck. Then I fed her elk chili the first time she came to my house and antelope steaks the second time. We took turns trading stories over dinner about her life, then my hunting and fishing and travels, and back and forth like that. So, she knew right from the get go that I was a hunter and left home a lot to do so. I also took her shooting handguns and my AR15 and she loved it. She was cool with the trips and said as long as I kept bringing meat like that home it was awesome. Time went by and she decided she wanted to go with me when I hunted close to home, so I jumped all over that. When she saw an antelope for the first time (a buck and I had a doe tag, ofcourse) and a sunset over the prairie she was hooked. She took her hunter safety course and now hunts. We hunt together when our schedules permit time for us to go, but she likes to argue about who's going to take the shot when we both have a tag. I still hunt alone a lot and take trips, but she is supportive and tells me to go early and stay late if I want to. I don't know if it's supportive or she just wants me gone for a while...lol So, now she has her own guns and shoots wonderfully, since she didn't have any bad habits to break to get retaught properly. She loves to shoot and go scouting and is amazed at some of the places I go to. We even have an agreement that I get to do a cow moose hunt in Wyoming, eventhough the tag is expensive for our budget, as long as she gets to do it a couple of years later. She also showed a lot of interest in archery, so I went and got her a bow and said once she can shoot 45# draw I'll let her hunt with it. I also write all of my hunt dates on a calendar so we can plan accordingly with her job and our dogs. Then we add her tags and if there's overlap, I come home early. Happy wife, happy life. So, there wasn't a whole lot of issue with my hunting since she knew from the get go that this was a part of my life. Her only request has been at least a text or two each day to let her know I'm ok or if I got something. That's why I got the inReach because I'm out of cell service a lot. I can live with that compromise.

 

[noharleyyet]

She knew what she was getting into yet couldn't help fall for my charms............................

...you talking about those little gumdrop smileys from Acme Healing Center in Ridgway?

 

[Dinkshooter]

...you talking about those little gumdrop smileys from Acme Healing Center in Ridgway?

Some guy named Cosby hooked me up a long time ago........................

Too soon?

 

[Southern Elk]

Good advise. Luckily I took the approach of hunting while we were dating like I planned to do when we were married. While dating, I was late to pick her up on several occasions because I was skinning a deer that I killed that afternoon. She never was as excited as I was about a big 8 point buck that I killed, when I called to say that I would be late. But I always went to get her no matter how late I was. Being a couple of hours late was better than being a no show. Now she comes to expect things like that during hunting season.

I also let her do whatever she wants when it's not hunting season. Like going on vacation to the beach twice this summer, even though I hate the beach.