2025: Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

[Clarq]

I’m in an odd spot. I have some great hunting opportunities and seemingly not enough time or energy to take advantage of them.

I like to write and post my hunting adventures, for a few reasons:

• I enjoy revisiting and reflecting on my hunts while I write them.
• I enjoy having a record that I can revisit months or years later.
• Posting my stories publicly motivates me to do a better job with my writing, and helps me focus more on what thoughts or lessons can be taken away from them. By contrast, most of my earlier private hunting journals are just play-by-play narratives and tend to capture fewer of my thoughts.
• I enjoy the hunting stories other people post and view my stories as a way to give back and hopefully provide some enjoyment to others.

All that being said, I’ve delayed starting my hunting journal at all this year, let alone one that I’d think to post on the internet. I’m not sure how it will land.

“I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.” – Joe Walsh

The quote above keeps coming to mind as I think about how to tell my story this year. Having a full roster of interesting hunting trips isn’t exactly a problem. But what happens when life gets in the way, and the idea of taking a hunting trip starts to sound more like a chore than a vacation?

This is the story of my fortune and misfortune so far and what will happen as the season progresses. I’m going to do the best I can, but I don’t think harvest success will be the measure of a successful season this year. By the end of it all, I’m hoping to figure out how I’m going to get my priorities straight and find a better balance in my life.

Here goes nothing…

 

[Clarq]

I’ve developed a fascination over the last several years with desert elk herds – the kind that live in what I used to think of as just antelope country. I once got to join a friend on a cow hunt in an area with some of these elk around, and it gave me more appreciation for these interesting animals and the different places they can live and thrive.



Not exactly classic elk country, but it gets the job done.



Unfortunately, the photos I got of the actual elk were much less impressive.



I’ve been seeking ways to hunt elk in these desert environments. I got lucky on tag sale day and was able to obtain a permit in Idaho for a general archery season hunt that seemed to fit the bill. With a season spanning August and September, it looked like an interesting opportunity to hunt desert elk during the rut.

Later along in application season, Dad pulled a rabbit out of his hat and drew a pronghorn tag with September hunt dates that more or less matched when I expected prime elk rut to be. I knew then that his pronghorn hunt would have to take priority. I’d just do the best I could do with my Idaho opportunity. September would be busy.

 

[Clarq]

Dad and I scouted for his pronghorn hunt in early July.



I'm always amazed at how well they thrive in such seemingly desolate environments.



There were fawns everywhere. It seemed like every doe had twins.



We didn’t turn up any big bucks, but the herd seemed healthy and we left feeling like we had a good sense of the unit and where the animals were.

 

[Clarq]

July and August were pretty rough. I had an impossible workload at my job and a lot going on besides that to make things harder. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll describe it as a lot of little things piling up into way too much.

I’ve battled with depression for much of my life, and I especially struggle during the summertime. The heat sucks the life out of me, I don't sleep as well, and a lot of my seasonal hobbies and interests are on pause. This summer in particular, I ended up slipping into a pretty bad mental space. When the August 1st opener of my Idaho elk hunt came around, I decided to take a weekend trip to kick off the hunting season and see if that would help. I was way behind at work but left a little bit early on Friday anyway (I’d logged well more than 40 hours by that point in the week and told myself I’d earned it).

Long story short, it was an educational trip but I dealt with terrible conditions for hunting elk. Daytime highs were in the 90s. The moon was moving toward full and the nights were bright. I’m assuming the elk were almost completely nocturnal. I never saw one. I had expected about as much, and from the beginning I viewed the trip mainly as a way for me to gain a better understanding of the area and prepare for later in the season.

I did run into a few other creatures I always enjoy seeing.



When I’m feeling down or depressed, a few hours alone on the road can be a big help. I felt a little better by bedtime on Friday night. That being said, a few days alone on the road can be a little much. I was ready to be done by the time the trip was over.

Hunting has always been a reliable way to boost my mood, but by the end of this trip, I wasn’t sure whether the trip had made a net improvement. I wondered whether extended solo hunting trips were the best thing for me to be doing considering my current situation and mental state.

 

[Mica Man]

Thanks for sharing and hang in there buddy. Enjoy time hunting Antelope with your dad.

 

[kiwi hunter]

Had those problems, setting long term goals helps a lot. Enjoy life while you can, at 76 im still looking forward to reaching 90 in good health.

 

[El Jason]

By the end of it all, I’m hoping to figure out how I’m going to get my priorities straight and find a better balance in my life.

Here goes nothing…

That’s better than filling any tag.

Hang in there and have fun.

 

[SO7mm]

Thanks for the write ups. Enjoy the time with your dad and on the hunts in general.

 

[SAJ-99]

July and August were pretty rough. I had an impossible workload at my job and a lot going on besides that to make things harder. I’ll spare you the details, but I’ll describe it as a lot of little things piling up into way too much.

I’ve battled with depression for much of my life, and I especially struggle during the summertime. The heat sucks the life out of me, I don't sleep as well, and a lot of my seasonal hobbies and interests are on pause. This summer in particular, I ended up slipping into a pretty bad mental space. When the August 1st opener of my Idaho elk hunt came around, I decided to take a weekend trip to kick off the hunting season and see if that would help. I was way behind at work but left a little bit early on Friday anyway (I’d logged well more than 40 hours by that point in the week and told myself I’d earned it).

Long story short, it was an educational trip but I dealt with terrible conditions for hunting elk. Daytime highs were in the 90s. The moon was moving toward full and the nights were bright. I’m assuming the elk were almost completely nocturnal. I never saw one. I had expected about as much, and from the beginning I viewed the trip mainly as a way for me to gain a better understanding of the area and prepare for later in the season.

I did run into a few other creatures I always enjoy seeing.

View attachment 387285

When I’m feeling down or depressed, a few hours alone on the road can be a big help. I felt a little better by bedtime on Friday night. That being said, a few days alone on the road can be a little much. I was ready to be done by the time the trip was over.

Hunting has always been a reliable way to boost my mood, but by the end of this trip, I wasn’t sure whether the trip had made a net improvement. I wondered whether extended solo hunting trips were the best thing for me to be doing considering my current situation and mental state.

I always enjoy these stories about struggle. Sometimes solo hunts we get too much time to spend in our heads. I hope you come out in a better spot.

 

[vanish]

Had those problems, setting long term goals helps a lot. Enjoy life while you can, at 76 im still looking forward to reaching 90 in good health.

Damn never would have guessed your age by your posts!

 

[kiwi hunter]

Damn never would have guessed your age by your posts!

I still work seven days a week, go hunting on my own, flycamp etc.

 

[Clarq]

I decided I’d focus on some other things in August and try to save the next Idaho trip for a time with better weather and better conditions.

One of the factors affecting my mood was a knee injury I suffered in the spring. My favorite activities were pretty much a no-go, and I was definitely not keeping up with my previous exercise routine. I’d been on a months-long slog through physical therapy and injections and was finally starting to feel a little more normal.

I have a few good buddies who are hardcore hikers. I missed a bunch of trips over the summer due to my knee. I was tired of missing out and asked if they wouldn’t mind picking an easier hike I could join them on. They accommodated me by picking a 5-mile loop with 2,000 feet of elevation gain that topped out at 10,700 feet. I wasn't sure I'd enjoy that but told them I'd go if they didn’t mind me slowing them down.

It sure felt nice to get out and really work hard on something physical again. The views were a nice reward.



We saw a few bull moose on the way back down.



Cool creatures. I wouldn't mind hunting one sooner or later.



I was most grateful of all for good friends. They kept a great attitude and encouraged me although I was by far the slowest in the group. I realized more and more I’d been a little too alone the past while. I decided to make an effort to do more things with more people.

For the first time ever, I talked Dad into going with me on the opening day of general archery deer season. He was never an archery hunter himself and also claims he doesn’t want to slow me down, but I told him I needed some company and he needed to get out of the house. He agreed on both counts and came along for the ride. We settled in on a plan to sit at a water hole and see if something wanted to come in.



Nothing did. The mountains of northern Utah were terribly dry at that point, and while a water hole seemed like a good strategy, I think the range conditions in the surrounding area were inadequate. I have to believe most animals were at higher elevations. We spent some time midday looking for sign and found very little. We called it a day and took a small detour to enjoy the scenery. I was grateful to have someone to talk to on the drive home.

 

[44hunter45]

I’ve battled with depression for much of my life, and I especially struggle during the summertime.

You are not alone with this. I too face the depression struggle. I know when I get dark I really don't want people telling me to cheer up, buckle down, and look on the bright side of things. So I'm not saying any of those things. But here is how I shake the blackness.

Some days the victory is just going for a walk. I like solo road trips and hunting because when I get in a dark state, I feel everyone around me wants something. Solitude frees me from that. There are a few friends and family I trust never want anything from me in that way. I know they just want to spend time with me without wanting anything else. They are very helpful to me when I close up.

Each of us needs something different in terms of solitude. Your self awareness seems good. Follow your instincts on this, but empower your friends to reach out to you if they see you pulling in to yourself. Have honest discussions with them about where the solitude/social line is.

It can feel like "normal" people don't get this. I think many of them do. I know there are folks reading this who do.

Enjoy the time with your dad. Don't put pressure on yourself about punching a tag. The heat will break soon and the hot days will be over for the year. I actually got cold sitting out this week. It will be time for layers soon.

Don't give up on the hunt. Sometimes hunting can actually suck. That's actually Ok.

Good Luck.

 

[Clarq]

I definitely didn't keep this as live as I had hoped. Besides the usual busyness of life, my computer died on me. I lost some of my draft writing and lost my way to type things out (and you can tell I'm obviously too long-winded to want to even attempt this on a phone). Let's get back to it.

I took a break from hunting for a few weeks. Honestly, I just wasn't encouraged by what I saw in Idaho or Utah. And I was having a hard time caring about much of anything, let alone another trip. It was still so hot. I figured I'd rather save my energy for a time when prospects seemed a little better.

Eventually, enough time passed to give me hope that some elk rutting activity might be starting. I still wasn't caught up at work, but I was burned out enough that I figured I could justify a break. I ducked out of work a little bit early on a Friday and made another run up north. I got the camp site I was hoping for, set up, and then started looking.

I got lucky and encountered two cows and a calf during the evening "hunt" (which consisted of driving around looking for any possible clue as to where the elk might be). They ran off when they saw me, but the sighting actually taught me a lot about where elk (at least these elk) were feeding, where they might be taking cover, and the path between these two locations. I put a plan together and set an alarm for morning.

I was awakened at around 3:00 AM by howling coyotes. As I sat up to check the time, it actually almost felt cold. As I contemplated on my plans for the day's hunt, coyotes howling all around me, I felt invigorated in a way I hadn't felt in awhile. Hopefully this trip would be the start of a change.

My hike the next morning required me to dodge some private land by traversing some rough and interesting desert terrain. You find some weird stuff out there.



I still have no clue what this is or how it got there. Anybody...? It's not in a place you could get a vehicle to.



From dust we come, and to dust we return.



I didn't lay eyes on any elk, but found tracks and identified a corridor a few elk had been using recently. The type of place if you sat long enough, you'd probably get a shot. I hung around until I got hungry and then made my way back for a midday break.

I grabbed lunch at a local "eatery" (gas station) and then went back to camp for a nap. Unfortunately, the gas station food didn't agree with me. I was forced to become very familiar with the inside of my new tent trailer. I was grateful to have it. Much better than being on the ground.



I spent the weekend cursing my poor life choices and trying to stay cool and hydrated. It was frustrating to get sidelined right as I was starting to get a few things figured out, especially because I wasn't sure whether I'd get to go back or not. I had a lot of competing priorities, with Dad's upcoming pronghorn hunt being one of them.

If nothing else - I'd had an interesting time and learned a few things.

 

[Clarq]

Next up was Dad's pronghorn hunt. The hunt began on a Saturday and ran for 9 days. Dad opted to skip opening weekend and hunt the second week. I had Wednesday afternoon through Friday scheduled off work and I made it clear with everyone in the office that I intended to be off the radar during that time. We traveled to the hunt area Wednesday night and checked into a motel.

Dad woke up the next morning with a runny nose and generally not feeling well. We decided we'd try to make the best of things and loaded up.

The hunting was so slow and difficult that I'd have never believed you if you told me what we were in for. This is an area we've been to several times before, and never struggled to find pronghorn. It has a track record of very high harvest success and hunter satisfaction. We covered country with the truck and our glass all day. By sundown, we'd seen roughly 20-25 pronghorn with only one being a buck, and he was small enough that he likely wasn't a legal target. Not a bad day by any means, but a lot tougher than we had anticipated even though we knew hunting the second week would bring some challenges.

Dad's health worsened throughout the day. It appeared to be a bad cold. After a night in the motel, we talked it over and he decided we'd head home. He wasn't feeling up to it.

On the way home, we stopped to take in some fall colors.



As it turns out, fall colors come in several forms. The kokanee salmon were starting to run. This was the first time we'd stopped to see them up close, and is something I'd highly recommend if you get the chance.



It was a disappointing end to a short and difficult hunt.

 

[Clarq]

I worked all weekend. I figured I was doomed to catch whatever Dad had, and I wanted to leave things in a good place before I did. I started feeling ill Tuesday night the next week and was pretty much useless on Wednesday and Thursday.

I was lucky enough to have a pronghorn tag with a long season in a neighboring state. My plan was to save it for later in October since I had elk to keep me busy in late September and early October. However, based on how I was feeling, it didn't look like elk were going to be an option here in late September like I'd hoped.

Dad called to check in on me while I was home sick and surprised me by offering to take me on an impromptu trip to my pronghorn unit earlier in the year than I'd planned. I hesitated - I wasn't feeling up to much.

"You can be sick at home on the couch or sick in the passenger seat looking for a big buck antelope," he said. "You'll be just as sick either way."

"True," I said, "but I'm not going to go through all the trouble of cleaning and processing an antelope while I'm sick unless you find me a record book buck."

"Deal."

We made plans for the next day.

No record book bucks were found and no shots were fired. The passenger seat of Dad's GMC wasn't as comfortable as my bed at home, but the views out the window were a whole lot better (no offense to the neighbors).







The trip was a good distraction, but I think it took its toll. I was very tired the next few days.

 

[Clarq]

I started this thread shortly after that trip. I was still having a really hard time feeling that drive and motivation I usually feel when it comes to hunting. In the past, the solution was to just go anyway - once I was out there doing it, I'd quickly be reminded of all the things I loved so much about it.

This year, something was different. It seemed that the drive wasn't coming back, even though I'd been on some good outings. What had changed? I was still working more-or-less full-time while recovering from my cold, but with a little extra downtime, I tried to think it through.

I started listing things out in my mind. What was it about hunting that had been good for me in previous years? With that list in place, I should be able to figure out what's changed, right?

Escape

Years ago, a non-hunting friend asked me what it was that I enjoyed so much about hunting. I thought for a moment and then said something like, "Because of how different it is from everything else. Hunting gives me a chance to step away from regular life and enter a whole new world with different objectives, environments, and rules."

I think I surprised even myself a little bit with that answer. I hadn't thought about it in those terms before, but it was true. Hunting was an escape. Was that really it, though? Did I just hunt to get away from my misery for a little while?

I don't think so. In the past, hunting hadn't just been enjoyable while I was doing it. It actually seemed to contribute to my happiness in the subsequent days and weeks. There had to be more than that. I kept thinking.

A connection to something bigger

I think we all benefit from periodic reminders that we're a small part of something much greater than ourselves. Hunting has certainly done that for me. It's helped me see and experience grand things and beautiful places that I'd have never otherwise experienced.











Exercise

Exercise is always a good thing, and hunting trips usually give me plenty of it. I reviewed my life and realized I hadn't been exercising nearly as much as I used to. The knee injury I'd been dealing with over the past several months made things a lot harder, but admittedly, I could be doing better.

Maybe I was on to something here. I kept adding to my list.

 

[Clarq]

Meaningful work

I work in a world of offices and computers. While my work eventually does turn into something big and real, it often takes several years to do so. And I often don't see it when it does.

On the other hand, the efforts of hunting are much more immediate and experiential. One memory that is forever burned into my mind is the experience of a six-mile pack out in the Missouri Breaks gumbo mud. I walked in on frozen ground in the morning, not realizing what was waiting for me once the temperatures warmed up and the ground thawed out. The walk back in the mud was one of the harder things I've ever done. Not a great picture, but it might give a sense of what I got myself into.



Was it stupid and irresponsible? Probably. Was it hard? Absolutely. But when I finally got everything packed out, I got the satisfaction of knowing I'd accomplished something pretty special - a successful solo DIY sheep hunt in some of the coolest country on the planet.

I have countless other memories that might be a little more ordinary, but equally meaningful. Packing out my first cow elk with my dad. Harvesting my first deer (a doe) on a hunt that took way longer and was way harder than it should have been. Learning how to process my harvest. The list goes on and on. Experiences like these give a measure of satisfaction that can be hard to find in the day-to-day rhythm of life.

I've been in my career for about 9 years now, and it occurred to me that it was really starting to feel routine. And when I did accomplish something meaningful, I wasn't giving myself an opportunity to appreciate it. Rather, it was on to the next emergency that needed to be addressed. I needed to do better at finding the meaning in my work and in my life.

An opportunity to set and achieve goals

Whether in hunting or in life, having and achieving goals is good for a person. One of my favorite things about hunting is that it provides endless opportunities to set and achieve goals.

My first love was waterfowl hunting. Soon after starting, I decided I wanted to bag a goose - not an easy feat when we didn't know what we were doing, and all we had access to were crowded public lands. After a few years of trying, and with a lot of help from Dad, we made it happen. It was a big goose (I was also a small kid). I couldn't stop smiling.



Since then, I've set many more hunting goals, and I've even accomplished some of them. Many are still a work in progress.

Elsewhere in life, my main goals were related to my education and my career. If I could just get my degrees and build a successful career, I'd be happy, right? I worked furiously at it for years, and eventually, I did it.

I was now at the point in my career where I didn't particularly want any more growth or responsibility. I sometimes fantasized about quitting or demoting myself to a role that wasn't so stressful. Without more goals related to education or career, what did I have to keep me moving forward? Not enough, I realized. I need to more deliberately think about where I want to go in life and how I'm going to get there.

 

[LopeHunter]

Appreciate your openness. DNA is not something you change by positive thought. Most people understand you can’t make yourself taller or have different eye color. Fewer understand you can’t just be happier or optimistic. If you were born with an obvious challenge like deafness then they likely would be more empathetic.

My father’s mental space was a rollercoaster. He internalized a lot though could watch the bi-polar pattern over several months. To me, pre-internet, he was merely moody.

I thought I was immune to such things. Success came easy in the classroom and in sports. I was a natural leader.

Something shifted soon after I graduated college. I struggled with politics and social nuances in the workplace. For the first time in my life I felt was not winning at everything I tried.

I developed mental “tricks” to stay optimistic and became better at masking the social blind spots. I realized everyone had good luck and bad luck even when are consistently putting a lot of effort into work/relationships and making good choices in life. Sometimes you are the hammer and sometimes you are the nail.

I shifted to a smaller company where my contributions got much faster feedback, good or bad, so I could improve as a team member. I had found my tribe of co-workers and an ecosystem that was healthier for me to be part of which made work enjoyable. A lot of positive motivators arose. Politics were not a thing to navigate.

I could not change my DNA though am fortunate my challenges were simpler than what my father seemed to face. He lived to 90 and he seemed at peace his last three decades. I heard him laugh more in those 30 years than the prior ones.

I also think by my mid-40s that things smoothed out for me. Maybe was our shared DNA moderating things inside our head as we aged or maybe we each coped better.

Wish I knew why it got easier but feel fortunate is easier now.

Wish I could give you a secret tip. I can say you are inspiring through sharing how things are and your outdoor adventures. Thank you.

 

[Clarq]

Freedom

I've always treasured the freedom I feel while hunting. Sure, I have some rules to follow, but I'm lucky to live in a place and time where my survival doesn't depend on my hunting skills. I can just go out and make it whatever I want to make it.

I grew up in a household with parents who cared and meant well but were fairly heavy-handed. They wanted me to do things I didn't feel like I could do and be things I didn't feel like I could be. At times, the weight of their expectations was crushing. During my later teenage years, hunting was especially crucial for my well-being. It was the one activity I engaged in where I could just go out and be, without worrying so much about what I accomplished.

I was often very tired, so sometimes I'd keep it simple and low-effort. Toss out a few decoys and see what happened. Other days, I needed to walk it out. I had several jump-shooting circuits I'd walk for ducks and pheasants. One of them was almost 14 miles long. It was usually good for some birds, but beyond that, it gave me some good time to think. Some of my better ideas in life came to me while I was walking that circuit.



I realized as I was thinking these thoughts that I hadn't felt much freedom in a long time. I'd taken 8 hours of vacation all year. I was constantly in the office, and frequently on my phone dealing with things when I wasn't. I couldn't escape it even when I tried. I was never caught up because I never wanted to say no to the next job or opportunity. I was so concerned with success in my career that I was being crushed under the weight of my own expectations. A slave of my own making.

Hunting wasn't freeing anymore, because I wasn't leaving my other stresses behind when I went.

Yes, I was on to something here.