Don't know how old this one is. Just got it in email from a friend other day.
Subject: For the Ladies
I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room.
Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before
long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man.
"So...what are you here for?" Talk about a showstopper.
Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her
best baritone voice. I thought, "Great..a name to match the idiot."
I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her
head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG
in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and
spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched,
pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)
to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes
and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air,
so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?"
I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.
I'll be righttttt back."
Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling
from the Jaws of Life.
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew
the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I
am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...
Subject: For the Ladies
I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment.
I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room.
Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before
long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man.
"So...what are you here for?" Talk about a showstopper.
Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her
best baritone voice. I thought, "Great..a name to match the idiot."
I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy.
Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"
This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her
head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into
this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.
Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine.
It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG
in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and
spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched,
pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally)
to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes
and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air,
so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck
and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied
gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?"
I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's
wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.
I'll be righttttt back."
Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared.
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling
from the Jaws of Life.
After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings,
Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew
the power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness
as possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though
we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and
making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I
am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot
about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between
the clamps...
