antelopedundee
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A little humour for your day
- Thread starter Tradewind
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VikingsGuy
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VikingsGuy
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noharleyyet
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noharleyyet
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noharleyyet
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VikingsGuy
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Nick87
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Jesus, with a wife and kids already I don't see how that's mathematically /financially possible.
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.
"I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet sighed, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with an old dog.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat.
The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!?" The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
MarvB
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Keep on
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- Nov 9, 2021
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Keep on
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noharleyyet
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VikingsGuy
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MarvB
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antelopedundee
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Six Types of Sex. . .
1. PENSION SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?" "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
2. LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
3. Silent Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
4. ARGUMENT SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife -
Cold as Ever.'" "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff at Last.'"
5. WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he left the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs, and he couldn't get back in.
6. ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge
of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex, he could also probably fly.
1. PENSION SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?" "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
2. LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
3. Silent Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
4. ARGUMENT SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife -
Cold as Ever.'" "Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff at Last.'"
5. WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he left the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs, and he couldn't get back in.
6. ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge
of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex, he could also probably fly.
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