Self defense pistol recommendations.

Check out the used market for a Ruger SP 101 357 or 38+P VERY reliable and sturdy revolver.. practice with it often and make it your own… Good luck
 

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43x is my everyday carry and does everything I need it to. That said, go handle several guns in the size you think you want, based on your needs. See what fits best, then research reliability, etc.

Smith M&P is also a strong contender. 9mm is the obvious choice for many, many reasons. Bullets matter more than cartridges. However, my wife carries a 22mag that holds 30 rounds and recoils absolutely zero. That may be one of the most fun guns I’ve ever shot.

To your point about not putting boxes and boxes of ammo through it: Buy something you’ll actually practice with. A gun that you’re not intimately familiar with is completely useless, especially in the stressful situations that necessitate its use. Both cartridges I’ve mentioned are cheap to practice with.
 

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