This is factually a true faux story about my exploits and misadventure to a New Mexico chili cook-off!
This is an actual account by paramedics at that chili cook-off. They actually have a chili cook-off around Halloween every yr.
Judge #3, me, was inexperienced at chili cook-offs!
"Recently I was honored to be a judge at a chili cook-off . The original judge called in sick at the last minute and I just happened to be standing at the judges table, asking for directions to the beer truck. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted to help was it down. So I excepted. Here's the scorecard of the event.
Chili #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (me) Holy crap! What the hel* is this stuff!? You could remove dried paint from the driveway with this stuff! Took me two beers to put the flames out! I hope this is the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy!
Chili #2 EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste except pain! I had to wave off three people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 A bit salty. Good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a Uranium spill! My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Get me more beer before I ignite!
Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Very disappointing.
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300lb woman was starting to look hot. Just like the nuclear waste I was eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 SIMON'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat's pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics to resusitate them! The contestant seemed offended when I told her, her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer over it directly from the pitcher. I wonder if I still have lips? It really ticks me off the other judges told me to stop screaming!
Chili #6 VARAGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Agressive use of spices, garlic, onions and peppers. Superb!
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfric flames! I crapped on myself and I'm worried it'll eat through my chair. No one seems to want to stand behind me except Sally. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone!
Chili #7 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 A mediocre chili with to much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho hum. taste's as if the chef threw in a can of peppers at the last moment. I'm kinda worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a state of distress as he curse's uncontrollably!
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing! I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid out unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me! I've decided to stop breathing. It's to painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway! If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4 in hole in my gut!
Chili #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1 The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 This final chili is a good , balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted and passed out, fell over and pulled the pot over on top of him. Not sure if he's gonna make it. Poor feller. Wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 No further report.
This is an actual account by paramedics at that chili cook-off. They actually have a chili cook-off around Halloween every yr.
Judge #3, me, was inexperienced at chili cook-offs!
"Recently I was honored to be a judge at a chili cook-off . The original judge called in sick at the last minute and I just happened to be standing at the judges table, asking for directions to the beer truck. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted to help was it down. So I excepted. Here's the scorecard of the event.
Chili #1 MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge #1 A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (me) Holy crap! What the hel* is this stuff!? You could remove dried paint from the driveway with this stuff! Took me two beers to put the flames out! I hope this is the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy!
Chili #2 EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge #1 Smokey with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 Exciting BBQ flavor. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste except pain! I had to wave off three people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili #3 ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge #1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge #2 A bit salty. Good use of peppers.
Judge #3 Call the EPA. I've located a Uranium spill! My nose feels like I've been snorting Drano. Get me more beer before I ignite!
Chili #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge #1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Very disappointing.
Judge #2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.
Judge #3 I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300lb woman was starting to look hot. Just like the nuclear waste I was eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 SIMON'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge #1 Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 Chili using shredded beef. Could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge #3 My ears are ringing, sweat's pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics to resusitate them! The contestant seemed offended when I told her, her chili gave me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer over it directly from the pitcher. I wonder if I still have lips? It really ticks me off the other judges told me to stop screaming!
Chili #6 VARAGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge #1 Thin yet bold vegetarian chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 The best yet. Agressive use of spices, garlic, onions and peppers. Superb!
Judge #3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfric flames! I crapped on myself and I'm worried it'll eat through my chair. No one seems to want to stand behind me except Sally. I need to wipe my arse with a snow cone!
Chili #7 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge #1 A mediocre chili with to much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge #2 Ho hum. taste's as if the chef threw in a can of peppers at the last moment. I'm kinda worried about judge #3. He appears to be in a state of distress as he curse's uncontrollably!
Judge #3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing! I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid out unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava which match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me! I've decided to stop breathing. It's to painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway! If I need air, I'll just suck it through the 4 in hole in my gut!
Chili #8 BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge #1 The perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili. Not to bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
Judge #2 This final chili is a good , balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted and passed out, fell over and pulled the pot over on top of him. Not sure if he's gonna make it. Poor feller. Wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge #3 No further report.
